A funny thing happened to me recently. OK so maybe not funny ha ha ha. Funny as in #notinmylifegoals...I got divorced. That Friday morning a few weeks back when the judge pronounced me as divorced, I danced out of that county courthouse like I'd won the lottery. I guess am a little bit cray cray. The sense of relief, freedom, pure unadulterated joy...then I drove back to work and continued with my day.
Off course I didn't quite realize that I would find myself super depressed a few days later. Like, so down in the dumps that it took every remaining ounce of energy to just get through the week. Luckily, I had something to look forward to - Fall Break! And break I did. Broke down in tears in a colleagues office. Me, who never cries. I was just so done! So totally exhausted emotionally. Fall Break was do-absolutely-nothing break. I cancelled all the travel plans and stayed put. Got a massage, cleaned house, cleaned house some more, slept, slept some more, and after three days, I had the energy to play and be fully present with my daughters during their own Fall Break. I guess I should have known there would be an anti-climax...
I have a lot of unpacking to do. Unpacking of emotional baggage and trauma. Unpacking of all the stuff the ex-spouse left at my house. Still a lot of decoupling or is it uncoupling to do...But by Golly, I made it! It's Friday, am tired, so this isn't the most eloquent blog post...but I thought you all my virtual village ought to know: I. MADE. IT. I walked through the valley, and am here. I am whole. I am happy. Broke, but happy. And I have a new found joy in and appreciation for the single life. God has been my refuge and my strength, through it all. And now, I do have a new calling to accompany others walking this path. I have been broken, but y'all, I was not destroyed; am still here. I. AM. STRONG. Cheers to single/parent/academic/mama.
Friday, November 2, 2018
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Transformation
The thing about divorce, or any breakup of a long term relationship is, you are forced to engage in transformation. It is not a fun process. Not in the least. Thank God for therapists. And good BFFs who listen to endless 'what-the-eff-was-I-thinking', 'how-on-earth-did-I-get-here', 'whats.wrong.with.me' etc.
But here's the thing. While the process is exquisitely painful, the end result can be real growth. At least that's what I tell myself as I look forward to Faith 2.0 (or whatever version I am becoming....it's not exactly the first time am going through metamorphosis). I like myself. I love myself. Even now, in the midst of this untidy process. And that's a blessing. It took work to like and love myself. Past metamorphosis.
So here I am, a butterfly-in-the-making, am breaking out of my cocoon, and Lord, it hurts. And that's OK. Growth hurts.
At therapy this week, I came to the realization that there has been several years of not fully living in my authentic Faithness. That my light was getting dimmed. So here's to finding Faith. Rediscovering Faith. Reconnecting with Faith. I look forward to loving and liking this new woman who is emerging from the ashes of my marriage. Amen.
But here's the thing. While the process is exquisitely painful, the end result can be real growth. At least that's what I tell myself as I look forward to Faith 2.0 (or whatever version I am becoming....it's not exactly the first time am going through metamorphosis). I like myself. I love myself. Even now, in the midst of this untidy process. And that's a blessing. It took work to like and love myself. Past metamorphosis.
So here I am, a butterfly-in-the-making, am breaking out of my cocoon, and Lord, it hurts. And that's OK. Growth hurts.
At therapy this week, I came to the realization that there has been several years of not fully living in my authentic Faithness. That my light was getting dimmed. So here's to finding Faith. Rediscovering Faith. Reconnecting with Faith. I look forward to loving and liking this new woman who is emerging from the ashes of my marriage. Amen.
Monday, June 11, 2018
Divorcing Faith
Life has a way of surprising us sometimes.
My divorce is not really a surprise, not in that "oh my God, what happened" type of surprise. It's been coming for a long time. The marriage relationship crumbled slowly but surely. And nothing I could do could save it. Because it takes two to save a marriage.
So yes, I am returning to blogging after many months hiatus. And most of my next few posts will be focused on talking about walking this journey. It's not about bashing my husband. He is still daddy to my girls. And as I told him after I filed for the divorce, I hope we shall be able to reach a point where we can be friendly, where we can act as grown ups for the sake of coparenting our adorable little humans. Coz those little girls did not apply to be adopted into our home. They didn't ask for this. The best we can do is find a way to be good parents to them in spite of our inability to stay married to each other.
So I outed myself on Facebook a few days ago. And, truth be told, it wasn't a well thought out move. I woke up the news of yet another suicide and thought oh crap, it's time for me to out myself as someone going through the shithole that is divorce. It's time for me to let my global village know that this is happening, and am mostly OK, and that some days suck worse than others, but in all things, am here. Standing. Or bent over in anguish as the case may be. It sucks. But I know it will get better. As I said in that post, divorce sucks. But a loveless marriage sucks a whole lot worse.
Some days I can hardly get out of bed. But I have two little girls looking for me to be mom. So I get up, and do what I need to do. And sometimes I go right back to bed after I take them to daycare. That is what happened on Friday June 8th, and I woke up from that feeling the need to out myself. I know, am a little weird. My plan had been to not say anything about this divorce until it was finalized and we are on the other side. But, the story of my life does not run that way. Sometimes I am required by Spirit to out myself, if only to be a voice for all those who cannot and should not out themselves in the same way. And hopefully, in the process, to be used by Spirit to give hope-in-the-midst.
The other day I asked a friend, how is it possible to be so happy and yet so sad all at the same time? Can such opposite emotions co-exist? Coz they have co-existed in me for quite a while. I have been blissfully happy with motherhood, my girls are the best thing that's ever happened to me. And yet, for quite some time now, I have struggled with sadness as I watched my marriage crumble and realized I couldn't save it. I hate to fail. And this has felt like such a terrible failure. Luckily, my therapist, my friends, my family, they all disagree with me on that point. And help me to see that getting out is the best thing I have done for myself and my girls.
That Facebook post and the responses I got to it on my wall, in phone calls, in private messages made me realize that 1) I am privileged to have such a wonderful global village, people far and wide who genuinely care about me. 2) I am not alone. 3) I am not alone. 4) I am not alone...
More later. Thanks to all my friends and family, my colleagues and comrades-in-divorce, all those who have listened to me think out loud the last many months. All those who have supported my girls and I as we walk this path. And even though the legal process is far from over, I can say I feel a sense of lightness in my spirit, a joy in my heart, a sense of freedom I hadn't felt in years. God is good even in this, and yes, it too shall pass.
My divorce is not really a surprise, not in that "oh my God, what happened" type of surprise. It's been coming for a long time. The marriage relationship crumbled slowly but surely. And nothing I could do could save it. Because it takes two to save a marriage.
So yes, I am returning to blogging after many months hiatus. And most of my next few posts will be focused on talking about walking this journey. It's not about bashing my husband. He is still daddy to my girls. And as I told him after I filed for the divorce, I hope we shall be able to reach a point where we can be friendly, where we can act as grown ups for the sake of coparenting our adorable little humans. Coz those little girls did not apply to be adopted into our home. They didn't ask for this. The best we can do is find a way to be good parents to them in spite of our inability to stay married to each other.
So I outed myself on Facebook a few days ago. And, truth be told, it wasn't a well thought out move. I woke up the news of yet another suicide and thought oh crap, it's time for me to out myself as someone going through the shithole that is divorce. It's time for me to let my global village know that this is happening, and am mostly OK, and that some days suck worse than others, but in all things, am here. Standing. Or bent over in anguish as the case may be. It sucks. But I know it will get better. As I said in that post, divorce sucks. But a loveless marriage sucks a whole lot worse.
Some days I can hardly get out of bed. But I have two little girls looking for me to be mom. So I get up, and do what I need to do. And sometimes I go right back to bed after I take them to daycare. That is what happened on Friday June 8th, and I woke up from that feeling the need to out myself. I know, am a little weird. My plan had been to not say anything about this divorce until it was finalized and we are on the other side. But, the story of my life does not run that way. Sometimes I am required by Spirit to out myself, if only to be a voice for all those who cannot and should not out themselves in the same way. And hopefully, in the process, to be used by Spirit to give hope-in-the-midst.
The other day I asked a friend, how is it possible to be so happy and yet so sad all at the same time? Can such opposite emotions co-exist? Coz they have co-existed in me for quite a while. I have been blissfully happy with motherhood, my girls are the best thing that's ever happened to me. And yet, for quite some time now, I have struggled with sadness as I watched my marriage crumble and realized I couldn't save it. I hate to fail. And this has felt like such a terrible failure. Luckily, my therapist, my friends, my family, they all disagree with me on that point. And help me to see that getting out is the best thing I have done for myself and my girls.
That Facebook post and the responses I got to it on my wall, in phone calls, in private messages made me realize that 1) I am privileged to have such a wonderful global village, people far and wide who genuinely care about me. 2) I am not alone. 3) I am not alone. 4) I am not alone...
More later. Thanks to all my friends and family, my colleagues and comrades-in-divorce, all those who have listened to me think out loud the last many months. All those who have supported my girls and I as we walk this path. And even though the legal process is far from over, I can say I feel a sense of lightness in my spirit, a joy in my heart, a sense of freedom I hadn't felt in years. God is good even in this, and yes, it too shall pass.
Monday, November 16, 2015
Holes in the Soul
Thankfully, today's meditation from Fr Richard Rohr titled The Power of Powerlessness" came at just the right moment. Fr Rohr critiques pop Christianity which prefers " a spirituality of achievement, performance, worthiness, and willpower" at the expense of recognizing fallenness and brokenness. My present sour mood is partly precipitated by that very thing: feeling that my efforts are falling short of 'performance', 'achievement', that my best efforts at work are getting rejected by those whom I am called to serve. Truth be told, am being somewhat myopic, focusing on rejection and critique rather than on the places and spaces where my efforts have been accepted and appreciated.
So these words from Fr Rohr quoting Julian of Norwich came at just the right moment:
Our wounds are our very trophies
They are the "holes to the soul" where the Light and the Life can break through
Even more perfect were these words, putting everything into perspective
Forget yoru perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
Leonard Cohen 'Anthem'
So here I am, ruminating on my imperfect offering, reminding myself that while numbers are great, quality matters. I am an imperfect leader, offering the best of me, getting a mix of acceptance and rejection, feeling the holes in my soul deepen and widen, and getting this constant reminder: Only by grace.
Perhaps the fact that our birth mother has disappeared, putting the planned adoption of our daughter's bio sibling at risk of failure, further dampens my spirit and deepens those holes in my soul.
Here's to imperfect offerings and perfect grace. And the humility to take both rejection and acceptance as par for the course. May the light come in through those holes in my soul...
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
My Beautiful Mother
Ode to my beautiful mommy, who passed away on August 24th, 2015.
My mother was a beautiful woman
Inside and out
Her inner beauty spoke of strength
Strength to persevere in the midst of difficult circumstances.
Her Inner beauty radiated hope
Hope for better things to come
Built on an abiding faith in God
She knew full well
That God will keep in perfect peace
She whose mind is stayed on Jesus
Because she trusts in her God
Mommy knew that deep within her soul.
Her inner beauty could penetrate any situation with a sense of peace.
Mommy's inner beauty bred generosity
She gave even to those who really didn't deserve it.
My mommy was a beautiful woman
Inside and out.
She loved her pleated skirts and tailored blazers
Blue was her favorite color
But more than her excellent sense of style
And flawless skin
Mommy's inner beauty is praiseworthy
Because she was a prayerful woman.
Every day
Many times a day
She prayed for her family
For many years
I kept her busy on her knees
Her overly educated ambitious un-marriageable daughter...
When that prayer was answered,
She spent another five years
Praying that I would get to experience motherhood
The longer the journey to motherhood took
The more she encouraged me to trust in the Lord
Because all good things,
Babies included,
come from God
She would remind me
"Look how far the Lord has brought us"
Mommy's prayer was answered
And mommy's joy was truly complete
Though she never got to hug and hold her little grand daughter
Sweet mommy
You left us a legacy
Of faith
The sweet fragrance of a life well lived
As your soul rejoices
At your saviors presence
We your children
Carry on,
May be be generous
Peace loving
Prayerful
As God gives us strength
We are honored to have been mothered by you
We are blessed to have been mentored by the best model of parenthood
Rest in the arms of Jesus
Our beautiful sweet mommy
With love from us
Your children...
My mother was a beautiful woman
Inside and out
Her inner beauty spoke of strength
Strength to persevere in the midst of difficult circumstances.
Her Inner beauty radiated hope
Hope for better things to come
Built on an abiding faith in God
She knew full well
That God will keep in perfect peace
She whose mind is stayed on Jesus
Because she trusts in her God
Mommy knew that deep within her soul.
Her inner beauty could penetrate any situation with a sense of peace.
Mommy's inner beauty bred generosity
She gave even to those who really didn't deserve it.
 |
| Mommy and I, January 2014 |
My mommy was a beautiful woman
Inside and out.
She loved her pleated skirts and tailored blazers
Blue was her favorite color
But more than her excellent sense of style
And flawless skin
Mommy's inner beauty is praiseworthy
Because she was a prayerful woman.
Every day
Many times a day
She prayed for her family
For many years
I kept her busy on her knees
Her overly educated ambitious un-marriageable daughter...
When that prayer was answered,
She spent another five years
Praying that I would get to experience motherhood
The longer the journey to motherhood took
The more she encouraged me to trust in the Lord
Because all good things,
Babies included,
come from God
She would remind me
"Look how far the Lord has brought us"
Mommy's prayer was answered
And mommy's joy was truly complete
Though she never got to hug and hold her little grand daughter
Sweet mommy
You left us a legacy
Of faith
The sweet fragrance of a life well lived
As your soul rejoices
At your saviors presence
We your children
Carry on,
May be be generous
Peace loving
Prayerful
As God gives us strength
We are honored to have been mothered by you
We are blessed to have been mentored by the best model of parenthood
Rest in the arms of Jesus
Our beautiful sweet mommy
With love from us
Your children...
Thursday, July 30, 2015
It's Raining Babies Up in Here...
First of all, I didn't realize it's been so long since I last posted on the blog. It's been a busy three months!
Our baby girl Imara came into the world on May 9th, and we got to meet her for the first time on May 10th, yes, the best Mother's Day gift ever!
Since then, its been feeding and diapering and cuddling and more feeding...loving every minute of it. She has brought so much joy not only to our lives, but also to the village, the community that has been praying and waiting with us throughout this adoption adventure.
Imara is a wonderful road warrior, she has already traveled from her birth state of Florida, along the East Coast to our hometown of Philly, and on to current home state of Minnesota, and that was just within her first month of life. She made the trip back to the East Coast again to meet the family this July.
As it turns out, a couple of weeks ago, we got the call that her birth mother is pregnant again, and would we like to adopt her sibling? Well, yes off course we want to adopt her sibling...what wonderful news! And yes, as you can well imagine, we are more than a little overwhelmed. But, God is good...and God will provide, again. If you would like to join in our adventure of adopting Imara's brother or sister, please visit our youcaring page
In the meantime, I leave you with this thought: Children are a gift from the Lord (Psalm 127:3)...a gift not just to the parents, but to the village, the nation, the world. We are so honored to be parenting Imara, preparing her to accomplish the purposes for which she was created. Thank you for being the village for her.
Our baby girl Imara came into the world on May 9th, and we got to meet her for the first time on May 10th, yes, the best Mother's Day gift ever!
 |
| Imara at 3 Days Old |
 |
| First Family Picture |
 |
| Imara at 5 Weeks |
In the meantime, I leave you with this thought: Children are a gift from the Lord (Psalm 127:3)...a gift not just to the parents, but to the village, the nation, the world. We are so honored to be parenting Imara, preparing her to accomplish the purposes for which she was created. Thank you for being the village for her.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Hope Renewed...Adoption Diaries
Dear baby girl,
Imara, Zuberi, Jelani, Jabali, Etana....wonderful choices of names
All meaning the strong one
Sneeze baby girl, when you hear your name
Tell us which one you choose for yourself
As God continues to knit you together in your mother's womb
As we await your arrival
Know that you are already loved
You have taken up residency in our hearts
We are so full of love for you baby girl
We packed your suitcase yesterday
Just in case you decide to make an early arrival
But go on baby girl, finish baking, no rush here...
You are loved baby girl
You have aunties and uncles here there and everywhere
You have many grandparents of every race, color and creed
Your cousins are holding their breath waiting for you baby girl
You are the fulfillment of prophecy
The answer to many prayers
The fruit of a difficult journey
The bringer of joy
Finish baking baby girl
Our hands are ready to hold you
Our hearts already love you
Our hope is being fulfilled
Hugs and Kisses, your mama-in-waiting
If you would like to support our adoption adventure financially, please go here
Imara, Zuberi, Jelani, Jabali, Etana....wonderful choices of names
All meaning the strong one
Sneeze baby girl, when you hear your name
Tell us which one you choose for yourself
As God continues to knit you together in your mother's womb
As we await your arrival
Know that you are already loved
You have taken up residency in our hearts
We are so full of love for you baby girl
We packed your suitcase yesterday
Just in case you decide to make an early arrival
But go on baby girl, finish baking, no rush here...
You are loved baby girl
You have aunties and uncles here there and everywhere
You have many grandparents of every race, color and creed
Your cousins are holding their breath waiting for you baby girl
You are the fulfillment of prophecy
The answer to many prayers
The fruit of a difficult journey
The bringer of joy
Finish baking baby girl
Our hands are ready to hold you
Our hearts already love you
Our hope is being fulfilled
Hugs and Kisses, your mama-in-waiting
If you would like to support our adoption adventure financially, please go here
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