Holes in the Soul

This morning I awoke feeling a little bit of a pity party coming on, the kind that shows up after a series of "not going my way" type of happenings. I tend to think of myself as a 'sunny side up' type of woman, but every so often, the 'series of unfortunate events' gets so long that it becomes quite easy to slip into discouragement and even despair.

Thankfully, today's meditation from Fr Richard Rohr titled The Power of Powerlessness" came at just the right moment. Fr Rohr critiques pop Christianity which prefers " a spirituality of achievement, performance, worthiness, and willpower" at the expense of recognizing fallenness and brokenness. My present sour mood is partly precipitated by that very thing: feeling that my efforts are falling short of 'performance', 'achievement', that my best efforts at work are getting rejected by those whom I am called to serve. Truth be told, am being somewhat myopic, focusing on rejection and critique rather than on the places and spaces where my efforts have been accepted and appreciated.

So these words from Fr Rohr quoting Julian of Norwich came at just the right moment:

Our wounds are our very trophies

They are the "holes to the soul" where the Light and the Life can break through

Even more perfect were these words, putting everything into perspective 

Forget yoru perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in

Leonard Cohen 'Anthem'

So here I am, ruminating on my imperfect offering, reminding myself that while numbers are great, quality matters. I am an imperfect leader, offering the best of me, getting a mix of acceptance and rejection, feeling the holes in my soul deepen and widen, and getting this constant reminder: Only by grace. 

 Perhaps the fact that our birth mother has disappeared, putting the planned adoption of our daughter's bio sibling at risk of failure, further dampens my spirit and deepens those holes in my soul.

Here's to imperfect offerings and perfect grace. And the humility to take both rejection and acceptance as par for the course. May the light come in through those holes in my soul...

An Attitude of Gratitude

After four days of posting about three things I am grateful for on Facebook, I decided to bring my final posting to the blog. To ruminate on gratitude. The exercise involved 5 days of posting three things each day...what a great way to remind ourselves that there is indeed much to be grateful for.

I have owned a gratitude journal for quite a while, but I don't use it. Not because I don't practice gratitude, but because I choose to journal in one location. Most of my journal entries begin with what I am grateful for...though sometimes life's drama gets in the way of an attitude of gratitude and I find myself whining to my journal, complaining about this, that or the other.

So today I am grateful for a rest-filled weekend. After a harried two weeks involving travel and conference participation, I am just glad to take it easy this weekend. I am not always very disciplined about rest...but am learning. So I slept in, had a slow breakfast, and then just took it easy most of today.

Philly Skyline August 4, 2014

As I have ruminated on the fact that we still have not been matched with birth parents so many months after our home-study was approved, I chose to be grateful, to find the silver lining in the waiting game. So rather than focus on the frustrations of waiting, I am looking towards what I have been able to accomplish this summer - because I had cancelled all my international trips while we had baby Zawadi at home, I found myself, for the first time in more than 8 years, not having to teach, change jobs/move or do long travel this summer. That meant I could push through some projects that needed focused attention, much harder to accomplish during the school year. So that's my silver lining...and am grateful for that. Off course I'd much rather have been enjoying being a new parent :-)

Presenting a paper at the Academy of Management meeting,
Philadelphia August 5th, 2014

As the summer began, I was nervous about being able to fill up the Lorentzsen Center for Faith and Work program for the upcoming year. I'd started off being told 'no' by the first two people that I invited as speakers...and was quite afraid that the trend would continue. I am so grateful that there is a full program of luncheons and a final conference for the 2014-2015 school year, for all the many business people and organizational leaders I have interacted with this summer, and am looking forward to a great year! So am starting this new academic year off on a good note, a hope-filled heart, an attitude of gratitude. 

In everything give thanks. For this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (I Thessalonians 5:18)

The facade of work/life balance

This is my first post of 2013 on this blog, and I figure I should start by confessing, as they say, its good for the soul.

My confession: I am so not good at work-life balance. I want it, I need it, but I don't know how to get it. My doctor keeps blaming most of the symptoms I present to her on stress. And I argue with her about that...I always tell her stress is normal for professors. When I am not stressed trying to keep up with teaching: grading, setting exams, grading exams, preparing lectures and/or responses to online discussions, reading dissertations...and the list continues. When its not teaching, its writing stressing me out. When its not writing, its service responsibilities. In most cases, its all three at once. And yet, I also want to have a life outside of work.

So what's an academic/working woman to do?

Last semester, one of my students introduced me to the concept of work/life integration. Apparently, work/life integration is a trending topic, as researchers and practitioners alike move away from the myth of balance. I like the idea of integration, perhaps because I could never achieve balance anyway. Teaching mostly online means I take my work home, nay, I work from home most of the time. So separating my work life from my home life is not feasible.

According to Craig Chappelow in an article for Fast Company, folks should stop trying to balance the mythical scales: "we try to help them understand this: Accurately assessing the nature of their own personalities, their sense of self-identity, and the degree of control they have over their work and family lives is crucial to finding satisfaction. Balance is not the goal. Integration is."

So I decided to think out loud/in writing about those three items, and move away from the guilt I sometimes feel about leading such an "unbalanced" life. Per Chappelow's descriptions, I'd guess am both an integrator, allowing work to interrupt life, and life to interrupt work as necessary, but also probably a cycler - there are periods in my semester when work takes priority, when dishes sit in the sink unwashed, house in disarray until the period passes.

When it comes to identity, there is no hiding from the fact that I identify strongly with my role as an educator. As to the third area, I have a high degree of control over my work and family life. Since my partner is a grad student, most of our days and nights are spent doing some form of academic activity.  Even when we are watching television, the computers are open, the books beside the couch, multi-tasking :-).

So, now that I have thought out loud/in writing about this whole myth of balance versus seeking integration, I suddenly realize my life is actually quite integrated. It would be more difficult to achieve integration if my partner wasn't in academia too. I work all the time. I do find time to do stuff other than work - grow a kitchen garden, go to the theater or live concerts, take in a movie every once in a while, watch brainless TV, take short trips...in other words, at this point in my life and career, work/life integration works for me. It works for my family. I will not seek balance as that is unrealistic for me/us. But I will continue to schedule 'life' into my calender as long as it continues to be an effective way to live a productive life. Its not 'balanced' with equal parts work-life...but it works for me/us. And I will continue to argue with the doctor, stop telling me I need to reduce my stress, tell me how to improve myself so that I can live with my stress without incurring psychosomatic symptoms. I know, that's a tall order...