Looking at 40

One of my favorite scripture verses goes something like this:

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a [wo]man, I put away childish things - 1 Corinthians 13: 11

Obviously, since I am finally 40, I have been an adult for a minute now. Yet, turning 40 does make me ruminate on where I have come from, where I have been, what I've been through, what (little) I have accomplished, but most importantly, what I have learned. Turning 40 reminds me that half my life is now behind me.

See, I feel like these past 40 years have been a time of learning, acquiring knowledge, maybe even testing some of it out. Some of those years were spent playing in the mud (literally, figuratively, spiritually...childishly), but now its time to act grown up. A friend shared with me how someone said turning 40 made her become comfortable in her own skin, so much so that she quit her highfalutin job, went back to school, and is now in the process of reinventing the next phase of her life. I've been comfortable in my own ashy black skin for a long time, but I did also just quit my job, because I felt that I'd done everything I could do in that position. It was time to move on.

As a teacher, turning 40 does not in any way slow the pace of learning, because I am sure there is yet more to learn. As I prepare to start a new job, there is even more to learn - at a minimum, now I have to prepare myself to teach a very different population (18-22 year old mid-western Christian students), and to coach and counsel business leaders on matters of faith and ethics. I have to learn to live in a not-particularly-diverse Mid-western city after many years on the East Coast.

If most (or at a minimum, half) of my life is behind me, turning 40 asks of me, what legacy do I want to leave behind? Who am I becoming in this second half of life? What have I learned in the first half that I can now fully utilize in the second? What resources have I acquired that I can now use, and what capital have I acquired that should now be reinvested?

Am excited about turning 40. And very grateful too. I look forward to what God will do with and through me in this next phase. I look forward to the adventure that is moving to Minnesota, starting a new job, and whatever God has in store for me. I celebrate every grey hair, every wrinkle, every scar and love handle that I bring with me to 40. I have earned them, now its time to put them (lessons, wisdom) to good use in this new season. Here I am Lord, signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours!

The Happy Aunt Dance

Today I celebrate with friends who welcomed their newborn daughter into the world on Good Friday. As I ohh and ahh over the beautiful newborn pictures, I was reminded of some of the readings on blogs and chatrooms that I did last year as I was going through infertility treatments and subsequent miscarriage.

One of the issues that many women talked about in those blogs and chatrooms was the difficulty they had celebrating others while they themselves were struggling with the pain of infertility and/or pregnancy loss. Some talked about not attending baby showers or doing so and being miserable. Yet, I confess to being a little confused about such reactions. You see, for me, even in the midst of the worst of the pain, any time I heard about someone else's pregnancy or newborn, I actually felt a sense of excitement and gladness. Here's why. Every one of those women experiencing a successful pregnancy was one less woman suffering the kind of pain I was going through. I would never ever wish infertility and/or pregnancy loss on anyone. In other words, just because I was sad over my own failure to procreate does not mean I cannot be happy for someone else's successful journey.

 I still remember at one point in the midst of the worst of the miscarriage pain hearing about someone else's pregnancy, and my hubby asking how I felt about it. I told him then that I was happy for the soon-to-be mother and praying that her journey would end with a successful delivery. Indeed, in reflecting on my 'odd' reactions, I came to the conclusion that having experienced infertility and miscarriage, a) I have a heightened awareness of the fragility of the procreation exercise and how it could all go horribly wrong and b) therefore I find myself praying over my expecting friends or relatives with just a little more zeal than I used to before, and c) I am super happy with news of a safe delivery of a living breathing newborn baby.

 So here I am, doing the happy aunty dance, looking at my schedule to plan a trip to the midwest to visit my new niece, praying for my colleague who is expecting her baby any time now, and being reminded once again that children are a gift from God. What a beautiful way to celebrate Holy Week!

The facade of work/life balance

This is my first post of 2013 on this blog, and I figure I should start by confessing, as they say, its good for the soul.

My confession: I am so not good at work-life balance. I want it, I need it, but I don't know how to get it. My doctor keeps blaming most of the symptoms I present to her on stress. And I argue with her about that...I always tell her stress is normal for professors. When I am not stressed trying to keep up with teaching: grading, setting exams, grading exams, preparing lectures and/or responses to online discussions, reading dissertations...and the list continues. When its not teaching, its writing stressing me out. When its not writing, its service responsibilities. In most cases, its all three at once. And yet, I also want to have a life outside of work.

So what's an academic/working woman to do?

Last semester, one of my students introduced me to the concept of work/life integration. Apparently, work/life integration is a trending topic, as researchers and practitioners alike move away from the myth of balance. I like the idea of integration, perhaps because I could never achieve balance anyway. Teaching mostly online means I take my work home, nay, I work from home most of the time. So separating my work life from my home life is not feasible.

According to Craig Chappelow in an article for Fast Company, folks should stop trying to balance the mythical scales: "we try to help them understand this: Accurately assessing the nature of their own personalities, their sense of self-identity, and the degree of control they have over their work and family lives is crucial to finding satisfaction. Balance is not the goal. Integration is."

So I decided to think out loud/in writing about those three items, and move away from the guilt I sometimes feel about leading such an "unbalanced" life. Per Chappelow's descriptions, I'd guess am both an integrator, allowing work to interrupt life, and life to interrupt work as necessary, but also probably a cycler - there are periods in my semester when work takes priority, when dishes sit in the sink unwashed, house in disarray until the period passes.

When it comes to identity, there is no hiding from the fact that I identify strongly with my role as an educator. As to the third area, I have a high degree of control over my work and family life. Since my partner is a grad student, most of our days and nights are spent doing some form of academic activity.  Even when we are watching television, the computers are open, the books beside the couch, multi-tasking :-).

So, now that I have thought out loud/in writing about this whole myth of balance versus seeking integration, I suddenly realize my life is actually quite integrated. It would be more difficult to achieve integration if my partner wasn't in academia too. I work all the time. I do find time to do stuff other than work - grow a kitchen garden, go to the theater or live concerts, take in a movie every once in a while, watch brainless TV, take short trips...in other words, at this point in my life and career, work/life integration works for me. It works for my family. I will not seek balance as that is unrealistic for me/us. But I will continue to schedule 'life' into my calender as long as it continues to be an effective way to live a productive life. Its not 'balanced' with equal parts work-life...but it works for me/us. And I will continue to argue with the doctor, stop telling me I need to reduce my stress, tell me how to improve myself so that I can live with my stress without incurring psychosomatic symptoms. I know, that's a tall order...