The title of today's post is taken from a profoundly moving blog by Kara Tippett, whose story I only came to know a few months ago - she graciously battled incurable cancer and finally went to meet her maker last week. One post would not be enough to tell all I have learned from the life and dying of Kara, and I haven't even read all of her blog yet. But reading her story these past few months, and the final post that I read this morning when I finally found out she'd gone to be with the Lord —all this serves to put life in perspective. It is easy to get lost in the mundane 'hard' of my own life's current moment, yet, not only shall this too pass, but more importantly, how can I compare my struggles on this adoption journey, with someone struggle to hold on to life and die with grace?
Kara Tippett has taught me so much about grace in the everyday moments, grace in the pain and grace in the joys of life. She has taught me to love hard now, because tomorrow is not promised. She has taught me to cherish my friends. She has challenged me in my moments of 'pity-party', in my 'why me' selfishness, to count my blessings, naming them one by one, to be reminded of God's faithfulness. Kara has taught me to love God more wholeheartedly, not for what God has done, but more so for whom God is in my life...because sometimes God will not do what I'd hope or wish for. Sometimes the answers to my prayers will be/has been a resounding NO. Can I love and trust Jesus even when, even in the midst of the NO? God did not heal Kara. God took Kara home. Jehova Rapha's answer to Kara's cancer was, "welcome home my child"...So it makes me ask myself, if our adoption never takes place, if we are to remain childless, can I still, would I still, be faithful? I hope, I pray, that my answer would be YES.
Will I, can I be faithful if God's answer, when God's answer to my prayer is NO?
"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. YET, NOT AS I WILL, BUT AS YOU WILL."
This Holy Week, I pray that my faith will be revitalized. Jesus prayer at Gethsemane reminds me that it is hard to be faithful to the end, it is hard to wait for God's purposes to be fully realized - it sure is darkest just before the dawn. So I pray that my hope will be replenished. That I will be faithful in my own small cup of sufferings. That, as I choose not to give up on this adoption journey, that I will be faithful in the waiting space. And, that I will not seek to sabotage God's best for our family by hurrying up to fill my need for a child with Ishmael, rather than waiting for my Isaac. That I would be patient to wait for God's will to be fulfilled, whatever that looks like. I believe Lord, help my unbelief!
Showing posts with label mothers in waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mothers in waiting. Show all posts
Monday, March 30, 2015
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Waiting as Spiritual Practice
As often happens when I get on Amazon or go to the grocery store, I went to buy one book and ended up with two. The second book is titled Seven Spiritual Gifts of Waiting by Holly Whitcomb, its been around for about 10 years but I just found it today. Perhaps I found it because hubby and I are in that space, the waiting space. And there is so much to learn in this space, as I have written previously here and here and a few other spots on this blog. I decided to read the book immediately...no patience here :-)
Whitcomb argues that:
We need to actively participate in this dramatic conversion from waiting as something to be endured to waiting as a gift.
Ahem...I try hard to think of waiting positively, but honestly, mostly I feel it is a test of endurance. Whitcomb talks about seven ways that waiting is a gift: it teaches us patience, loss of control, living in the present, compassion, gratitude, humility and trust in God. I read the first chapter on the gift of patience that comes from waiting, let it soak in, and reflected on how waiting to adopt has been teaching me patience.
Whitcomb explains the gift of patience thus:
When we have to wait without knowing the answers, without knowing what's ahead, we are nudged into a new perspective. Waiting without immediate solutions presents us with an opportunity to lean into the unknowing, to let go of the false promise of a quick fix, and to grow in patience. When we can embrace the gift of patience that waiting offers, we can trust beyond the moment.
Truthfully, though I cannot claim to be an expert on patience, I have learned a lot in the waiting space. I have definitely learned that, just because we are waiting does not mean being passive. I think at first I expected to just sit back and wait, and somehow a match would appear through our agency...alas, we needed to be more actively involved in our waiting. A few weeks ago, I finally set up our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/FaithChasAdopt opening up a new avenue to communicate with others. One of the results of that was a contact from an expectant mom who is considering adoption, and though there is no match yet, it served as a source of hope that the Facebook page is contributing to our outreach productively.
Just over a month ago, I also set up our fundraising site on YouCaring compelled by the discovery that the costs will likely be above what we had expected. That site has raised over 2000 dollars of the 15K we are hoping to raise. And, it has been a tremendous lesson in humility and expansive patience - the willingness to be vulnerable and share with our wider community.
This past week, we have learned about various interesting situations arising out of our outreach efforts: one involving 5 children under 6 years of age in Florida that both broke our hearts and encouraged us as we saw 9 families willing and able to adopt all those children together; another involving two boys under 2 years of age that we couldn't apply for because the adoptive parents have to live within the state of Florida. While none of these situations could work for us, this week I felt my hope rising, I saw this active patience beginning to bear fruits. I learned that patience means staying with it, living through it, and listening intently to what God might be saying through it all.
So, I am grateful for the gifts of waiting, for the patience that is growing in me. I am grateful for the testimony that waiting can indeed be a gift to me and to those sharing this journey with us. In the fullness of time, I know that God will come through for us, and we will become parents. In the meantime, I will
"be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond" Rumi
Wont you wait actively patiently with me and my hubby?
Patiently, Faith
Whitcomb argues that:
We need to actively participate in this dramatic conversion from waiting as something to be endured to waiting as a gift.
Ahem...I try hard to think of waiting positively, but honestly, mostly I feel it is a test of endurance. Whitcomb talks about seven ways that waiting is a gift: it teaches us patience, loss of control, living in the present, compassion, gratitude, humility and trust in God. I read the first chapter on the gift of patience that comes from waiting, let it soak in, and reflected on how waiting to adopt has been teaching me patience.
Whitcomb explains the gift of patience thus:
When we have to wait without knowing the answers, without knowing what's ahead, we are nudged into a new perspective. Waiting without immediate solutions presents us with an opportunity to lean into the unknowing, to let go of the false promise of a quick fix, and to grow in patience. When we can embrace the gift of patience that waiting offers, we can trust beyond the moment.
Truthfully, though I cannot claim to be an expert on patience, I have learned a lot in the waiting space. I have definitely learned that, just because we are waiting does not mean being passive. I think at first I expected to just sit back and wait, and somehow a match would appear through our agency...alas, we needed to be more actively involved in our waiting. A few weeks ago, I finally set up our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/FaithChasAdopt opening up a new avenue to communicate with others. One of the results of that was a contact from an expectant mom who is considering adoption, and though there is no match yet, it served as a source of hope that the Facebook page is contributing to our outreach productively.
Just over a month ago, I also set up our fundraising site on YouCaring compelled by the discovery that the costs will likely be above what we had expected. That site has raised over 2000 dollars of the 15K we are hoping to raise. And, it has been a tremendous lesson in humility and expansive patience - the willingness to be vulnerable and share with our wider community.
This past week, we have learned about various interesting situations arising out of our outreach efforts: one involving 5 children under 6 years of age in Florida that both broke our hearts and encouraged us as we saw 9 families willing and able to adopt all those children together; another involving two boys under 2 years of age that we couldn't apply for because the adoptive parents have to live within the state of Florida. While none of these situations could work for us, this week I felt my hope rising, I saw this active patience beginning to bear fruits. I learned that patience means staying with it, living through it, and listening intently to what God might be saying through it all.
So, I am grateful for the gifts of waiting, for the patience that is growing in me. I am grateful for the testimony that waiting can indeed be a gift to me and to those sharing this journey with us. In the fullness of time, I know that God will come through for us, and we will become parents. In the meantime, I will
"be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond" Rumi
Wont you wait actively patiently with me and my hubby?
Patiently, Faith
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Waiting [to Adopt] as a Platform for God's Grace
What happens to dreams, hopes, faith, when God's answer to a heartfelt prayer is a resounding NO?
The past few weeks have been interesting spiritually and emotionally, as the summer break wrapped up and the new academic year began, realizing that our adoption dream had still not come true. Granted, as our social worker reminded me the other day, waiting six months in the world of adoption is not long at all. However, when that waiting is preceded by a failed prior attempt at adoption, it feels like eternity!
So I found myself stressing out, even getting somewhat depressed as the new academic year started with not a rumor, not a single word about any potential matches. The closest we've come to any positive news is an 'adoption facilitation' agency that has been encouraging us to sign up with them, since they work with birth parents from around the country, they promise that we'd likely be matched fairly quickly. But the $19,500 sticker price for their service, that does not include lawyer fees, legal fees, transportation, or birth parent support just makes us feel discouraged. It means the adoption would cost close to $40K...one would think that domestic infant adoption would be less expensive than international adoption - but as we have realized, it isn't.
One weekend I was feeling so discouraged, so overwhelmed, so down in the dumps, so hope-depleted that it felt like darkness was threatening to descend on my otherwise sunny disposition :-( I pulled through, but it was also an opportunity to think about how I'd respond if God's answer to all this is no. What if this adoption never happens? What if I am never a mother? What then?
In the midst of the darkness, I was talking with one of my friends about not wanting to blog, because I did not want to spread the sense of despondency to anyone reading my blog. But, she reminded me I needed to stay faithful and authentic, to talk about the ups and the downs. I will quote from my journal from September 4 that reflects what I was experiencing:
While I continue to walk in this space of not-yet-answered prayers, the space after the no-for-an-answer to my prior prayer for biological motherhood, the space of hoping that this time, God's answer is a resounding Yes...I have come to the conclusion that, whatever happens, I will be faithful. Whatever happens, whether I become a mother or remain childless, I will find my joy in spite of the circumstances, I will sing along with Habakkuk 3:17-19: though nothing goes right, yet I will rejoice in the God who gives me strength. And thanks to Mavuno Church series this month, I am reminded that unanswered prayer is the reality for many, the test is in remaining faithful. Pastor M reminds me that my weakness is my opportunity to experience God's strength. So here is to rejoicing in the waiting - the waiting to adopt, the waiting to find out what God's answer is, the waiting in hope.
Won't you wait with me?
The past few weeks have been interesting spiritually and emotionally, as the summer break wrapped up and the new academic year began, realizing that our adoption dream had still not come true. Granted, as our social worker reminded me the other day, waiting six months in the world of adoption is not long at all. However, when that waiting is preceded by a failed prior attempt at adoption, it feels like eternity!
So I found myself stressing out, even getting somewhat depressed as the new academic year started with not a rumor, not a single word about any potential matches. The closest we've come to any positive news is an 'adoption facilitation' agency that has been encouraging us to sign up with them, since they work with birth parents from around the country, they promise that we'd likely be matched fairly quickly. But the $19,500 sticker price for their service, that does not include lawyer fees, legal fees, transportation, or birth parent support just makes us feel discouraged. It means the adoption would cost close to $40K...one would think that domestic infant adoption would be less expensive than international adoption - but as we have realized, it isn't.
One weekend I was feeling so discouraged, so overwhelmed, so down in the dumps, so hope-depleted that it felt like darkness was threatening to descend on my otherwise sunny disposition :-( I pulled through, but it was also an opportunity to think about how I'd respond if God's answer to all this is no. What if this adoption never happens? What if I am never a mother? What then?
In the midst of the darkness, I was talking with one of my friends about not wanting to blog, because I did not want to spread the sense of despondency to anyone reading my blog. But, she reminded me I needed to stay faithful and authentic, to talk about the ups and the downs. I will quote from my journal from September 4 that reflects what I was experiencing:
Its weird
Being woken up by the crazy heavy storm
That shook the house down to its foundations
Attempting to break the windows
And pull the storm door right off its hinges
An apt reminder of the weekend that was
The storm that was raging in my soul
As I felt myself descend deeper and deeper into the darkness
As I felt myself get pulled down further and further from
hope
As I felt myself dragged away from joy and into despair
But you Lord
Just as with the storm that has now passed this area
Leaving the house intact
You allowed that storm to pass through my life
And calm is returning
The calm that reminds me that I am alive
That I am on this side of heaven
Where I will be buffeted by life's heavy burdens
Shaken by the thunder of despair and discouragement
Yet in the midst of it all
You remain the rock I hang onto and stand
The firm foundation that secures my house and hope
While I continue to walk in this space of not-yet-answered prayers, the space after the no-for-an-answer to my prior prayer for biological motherhood, the space of hoping that this time, God's answer is a resounding Yes...I have come to the conclusion that, whatever happens, I will be faithful. Whatever happens, whether I become a mother or remain childless, I will find my joy in spite of the circumstances, I will sing along with Habakkuk 3:17-19: though nothing goes right, yet I will rejoice in the God who gives me strength. And thanks to Mavuno Church series this month, I am reminded that unanswered prayer is the reality for many, the test is in remaining faithful. Pastor M reminds me that my weakness is my opportunity to experience God's strength. So here is to rejoicing in the waiting - the waiting to adopt, the waiting to find out what God's answer is, the waiting in hope.
Won't you wait with me?
Sunday, May 11, 2014
For Mothers in Waiting
This post has been stewing in my heart for several hours, as I see all the Facebook messages celebrating mothers, and recognize that I am not alone - I am not alone in this space of waiting. Even as we celebrate those who have mothered us - biological mothers, adoptive or foster mothers, othermothers, auntie-mamas - I am praying for you. I feel you, my sisters, known and unknown, as you wait for the gift of motherhood, hold on to hope. I am speaking to God the Mother (Isaiah 49:15; Psalms 131:2) on our behalf.
You know whom am thinking of
You see her right now
Celebrating her own mother
Yet yearning to be one herself
Dear God calm and quiet her soul
Like a weaned child with its mother
Comfort her
as a mother comforts her child
You know whom am praying for
You know her better than she knows herself
Because you knit her together in her mothers womb
Yet she waits to feel one growing in her own
Won't you come to her aid Mother God
Whether she is missing being a mother
Due to barrenness or miscarried babies
Or she is still waiting for a husband
With whom to make those babies
Won't you please hear her prayer
Sister in the struggle
Keep on hoping
Yet
While you occupy that space
Give yourself away
Love the motherless and the unmothered
Hug a child who needs to be comforted
Provide from the bounty of your blessings
Nurture and nourish the needy child near you
Sister in the struggle
Maybe a child from your own womb is not in your future
But that does not mean you cannot be a mother
So let not your heart be troubled
Give
Love
Hug
Provide
Nurture
Because motherhood is more than biology
Let your hands hold the one that God brings your way
Let your heart love the ones that comes into your life
Let your hurt be healed as you heal
The child, young or older
Whom God brings along your path
So happy hopeful mothers day
From one waiting mother to another.
You know whom am thinking of
You see her right now
Celebrating her own mother
Yet yearning to be one herself
Dear God calm and quiet her soul
Like a weaned child with its mother
Comfort her
as a mother comforts her child
You know whom am praying for
You know her better than she knows herself
Because you knit her together in her mothers womb
Yet she waits to feel one growing in her own
Won't you come to her aid Mother God
Whether she is missing being a mother
Due to barrenness or miscarried babies
Or she is still waiting for a husband
With whom to make those babies
Won't you please hear her prayer
Sister in the struggle
Keep on hoping
Yet
While you occupy that space
Give yourself away
Love the motherless and the unmothered
Hug a child who needs to be comforted
Provide from the bounty of your blessings
Nurture and nourish the needy child near you
Sister in the struggle
Maybe a child from your own womb is not in your future
But that does not mean you cannot be a mother
So let not your heart be troubled
Give
Love
Hug
Provide
Nurture
Because motherhood is more than biology
Let your hands hold the one that God brings your way
Let your heart love the ones that comes into your life
Let your hurt be healed as you heal
The child, young or older
Whom God brings along your path
So happy hopeful mothers day
From one waiting mother to another.
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