Holes in the Soul

This morning I awoke feeling a little bit of a pity party coming on, the kind that shows up after a series of "not going my way" type of happenings. I tend to think of myself as a 'sunny side up' type of woman, but every so often, the 'series of unfortunate events' gets so long that it becomes quite easy to slip into discouragement and even despair.

Thankfully, today's meditation from Fr Richard Rohr titled The Power of Powerlessness" came at just the right moment. Fr Rohr critiques pop Christianity which prefers " a spirituality of achievement, performance, worthiness, and willpower" at the expense of recognizing fallenness and brokenness. My present sour mood is partly precipitated by that very thing: feeling that my efforts are falling short of 'performance', 'achievement', that my best efforts at work are getting rejected by those whom I am called to serve. Truth be told, am being somewhat myopic, focusing on rejection and critique rather than on the places and spaces where my efforts have been accepted and appreciated.

So these words from Fr Rohr quoting Julian of Norwich came at just the right moment:

Our wounds are our very trophies

They are the "holes to the soul" where the Light and the Life can break through

Even more perfect were these words, putting everything into perspective 

Forget yoru perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in

Leonard Cohen 'Anthem'

So here I am, ruminating on my imperfect offering, reminding myself that while numbers are great, quality matters. I am an imperfect leader, offering the best of me, getting a mix of acceptance and rejection, feeling the holes in my soul deepen and widen, and getting this constant reminder: Only by grace. 

 Perhaps the fact that our birth mother has disappeared, putting the planned adoption of our daughter's bio sibling at risk of failure, further dampens my spirit and deepens those holes in my soul.

Here's to imperfect offerings and perfect grace. And the humility to take both rejection and acceptance as par for the course. May the light come in through those holes in my soul...

My Beautiful Mother

Ode to my beautiful mommy, who passed away on August 24th, 2015. 

My mother was a beautiful woman
Inside and out

Her inner beauty spoke of strength
Strength to persevere in the midst of difficult circumstances.

Her Inner beauty radiated hope
Hope for better things to come
Built on an abiding faith in God
She knew full well
That God will keep in perfect peace
She whose mind is stayed on Jesus
Because she trusts in her God
Mommy knew that deep within her soul.

Her inner beauty could penetrate any situation with a sense of peace.

Mommy's inner beauty bred generosity
She gave even to those who really didn't deserve it.

Mommy and I, January 2014

My mommy was a beautiful woman
Inside and out.

She loved her pleated skirts and tailored blazers
Blue was her favorite color
But more than her excellent sense of style
And flawless skin 
Mommy's inner beauty is praiseworthy
Because she was a prayerful woman.

Every day
Many times a day
She prayed for her family
For many years
I kept her busy on her knees
Her overly educated ambitious un-marriageable daughter...
When that prayer was answered,
She spent another five years
Praying that I would get to experience motherhood

The longer the journey to motherhood took
The more she encouraged me to trust in the Lord
Because all good things,
Babies included,
come from God
She would remind me
"Look how far the Lord has brought us"

Mommy's prayer was answered
And mommy's joy was truly complete
Though she never got to hug and hold her little grand daughter

Sweet mommy
You left us a legacy
Of faith
The sweet fragrance of a life well lived
As your soul rejoices
At your saviors presence
We your children
Carry on,
May be be generous
Peace loving
Prayerful
As God gives us strength

We are honored to have been mothered by you
We are blessed to have been mentored by the best model of parenthood

Rest in the arms of Jesus
Our beautiful sweet mommy
With love from us
Your children...

It's Raining Babies Up in Here...

First of all, I didn't realize it's been so long since I last posted on the blog. It's been a busy three months!

Our baby girl Imara came into the world on May 9th, and we got to meet her for the first time on May 10th, yes, the best Mother's Day gift ever!

Imara at 3 Days Old

Since then, its been feeding and diapering and cuddling and more feeding...loving every minute of it. She has brought so much joy not only to our lives, but also to the village, the community that has been praying and waiting with us throughout this adoption adventure.

First Family Picture

Imara is a wonderful road warrior, she has already traveled from her birth state of Florida, along the East Coast to our hometown of Philly, and on to current home state of Minnesota, and that was just within her first month of life. She made the trip back to the East Coast again to meet the family this July.

Imara at 5 Weeks

As it turns out, a couple of weeks ago, we got the call that her birth mother is pregnant again, and would we like to adopt her sibling? Well, yes off course we want to adopt her sibling...what wonderful news! And yes, as you can well imagine, we are more than a little overwhelmed. But, God is good...and God will provide, again. If you would like to join in our adventure of adopting Imara's brother or sister, please visit our youcaring page

In the meantime, I leave you with this thought: Children are a gift from the Lord (Psalm 127:3)...a gift not just to the parents, but to the village, the nation, the world. We are so honored to be parenting Imara, preparing her to accomplish the purposes for which she was created. Thank you for being the village for her.

Hope Renewed...Adoption Diaries

Dear baby girl, 

Imara, Zuberi, Jelani, Jabali, Etana....wonderful choices of names
All meaning the strong one
Sneeze baby girl, when you hear your name
Tell us which one you choose for yourself

As God continues to knit you together in your mother's womb
As we await your arrival
Know that you are already loved
You have taken up residency in our hearts

We are so full of love for you baby girl
We packed your suitcase yesterday
Just in case you decide to make an early arrival
But go on baby girl, finish baking, no rush here...

You are loved baby girl
You have aunties and uncles here there and everywhere
You have many grandparents of every race, color and creed
Your cousins are holding their breath waiting for you baby girl

You are the fulfillment of prophecy
The answer to many prayers
The fruit of a difficult journey
The bringer of joy

Finish baking baby girl
Our hands are ready to hold you
Our hearts already love you
Our hope is being fulfilled

Hugs and Kisses, your mama-in-waiting 

If you would like to support our adoption adventure financially, please go here 

Faithfulness in the Mundane

The title of today's post is taken from a profoundly moving blog by Kara Tippett, whose story I only came to know a few months ago - she graciously battled incurable cancer and finally went to meet her maker last week. One post would not be enough to tell all I have learned from the life and dying of Kara, and I haven't even read all of her blog yet. But reading her story these past few months, and the final post that I read this morning when I finally found out she'd gone to be with the Lord —all this serves to put life in perspective. It is easy to get lost in the mundane 'hard' of my own life's current moment, yet, not only shall this too pass, but more importantly, how can I compare my struggles on this adoption journey, with someone struggle to hold on to life and die with grace?

Kara Tippett has taught me so much about grace in the everyday moments, grace in the pain and grace in the joys of life. She has taught me to love hard now, because tomorrow is not promised. She has taught me to cherish my friends. She has challenged me in my moments of 'pity-party', in my 'why me' selfishness, to count my blessings, naming them one by one, to be reminded of God's faithfulness. Kara has taught me to love God more wholeheartedly, not for what God has done, but more so for whom God is in my life...because sometimes God will not do what I'd hope or wish for. Sometimes the answers to my prayers will be/has been a resounding NO. Can I love and trust Jesus even when, even in the midst of the NO? God did not heal Kara. God took Kara home. Jehova Rapha's answer to Kara's cancer was, "welcome home my child"...So it makes me ask myself, if our adoption never takes place, if we are to remain childless, can I still, would I still, be faithful? I hope, I pray, that my answer would be YES.

Will I, can I be faithful if God's answer, when God's answer to my prayer is NO?

"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. YET, NOT AS I WILL, BUT AS YOU WILL."

This Holy Week, I pray that my faith will be revitalized. Jesus prayer at Gethsemane reminds me that it is hard to be faithful to the end, it is hard to wait for God's purposes to be fully realized - it sure is darkest just before the dawn. So I pray that my hope will be replenished.  That I will be faithful in my own small cup of sufferings. That, as I choose not to give up on this adoption journey, that I will be faithful in the waiting space. And, that I will not seek to sabotage God's best for our family by hurrying up to fill my need for a child with Ishmael, rather than waiting for my Isaac. That I would be patient to wait for God's will to be fulfilled, whatever that looks like. I believe Lord, help my unbelief!

Losing Control, Finding Faith in the Messiness of Life

Parents-in-Training and Project Cuddle

Did you hear about the 22-year-old woman who burnt her newborn baby to death in New Jersey? This was a recent example of women in crisis who abandon or kill their babies, a situation that is not unique to the US. Recently, a cat in Russia helped to keep an abandoned baby alive by cuddling with him, keeping him warm while also meowing until help arrived. In the US, there are safe haven laws in all 50 states plus DC that allow women in crisis to leave their babies in hospitals, police stations, or fire stations. However, babies still get abandoned, two-thirds of such abandoned babies die. The state of Indiana is considering 'baby boxes' as a way to decrease such deaths, an additional measure to their safe haven process.

I recently found out about an organization that is dedicated to saving babies from abandonment and death - Project Cuddle - a non-profit charity that helps frightened girls and women in making safe and legal decisions instead of abandoning their newborn babies. Since finding out about them, I have been following them on Facebook, I am so appreciative of the work that they do that I chose to highlight them on the blog. I also realized my naivete - see, I didn't expect child abandonment to be such a huge problem in this First World USA...but it is. That's why there are safe haven laws. And since those laws are not enough, that's why there are organizations like Project Cuddle, providing women and girls with the chance to do the right thing - whether that is the support to parent or to make an adoption plan. Project Cuddle is not an adoption agency or facilitator, thus rescue families willing to adopt babies through their program work directly with lawyers and the birth mother. Rescue families apply to Project Cuddle, and only get a call if a birth mother is interested in selecting the family to rescue her baby. 

Beyond discovering the wonderful lifesaving work of Project Cuddle, the past few weeks also involved about 30 additional hours of training in order to qualify to adopt from foster care. Who knew you can do a 3.5 hour training on car seats? We sat for two days learning about (mostly) the challenges of adopting from foster care - the physical, mental and emotional problems that children from foster care are likely to be struggling with. My reaction after the training - anyone who adopts from foster care after that kind of training has to be both brave and compassionate! Our trainers said they were giving us information so no one would walk into fost-adopt with their eyes closed. Well, our eyes are definitely open. Mostly, with compassion. 

So that's whats going on in our neck of the woods. Our training for fost-adopt is complete, now we wait to complete the mountains of paperwork to update our homestudy for foster care (generally, it takes about 6 months from placement to finalization in fost-adopt, thus we have to be licensed as foster parents). We have also applied to be rescue parents with Project Cuddle. That makes three programs - domestic infant adoption, rescue parents, and soon, fost-adopt. Whichever path the Lord chooses to bring a child or children into our home, we are open, available, waiting and hopeful. Your continued prayers are very much appreciated...

Hope-filled Faith

New Year, New Hope

Happy New Year!

Mother and Child, Ceramic by Woodrow Nash. Captures my desires...

The other day, our adoption social worker asked whether the holiday was difficult, entering it still childless. Truth be told, I wondered whether it would be any more difficult than previous holidays, now that we had tasted the short-lived joy of holding a baby in our arms. As it turns out, it wasn't difficult, not at all. It was baby-filled, and thus joy-filled, because we got to hang out with our friends and families babies. I came back to Minnesota feeling rejuvenated, with my hope re-ignited. I, and we, continue to believe, to hope that we shall soon be holding a baby of our own in our hands. How God chooses to make that a reality remains to be seen...

A second source of hope re-ignited for me came because of watching how our friends and family, and even a few strangers, had responded so generously to our request for financial support towards our adoption goals. We do not take any of that for granted, whether 20 dollars or 200. Moreover, we are so appreciative of all those who are praying with and for us near and far. Our God is faithful, eventually, these prayers will be answered, and what a celebration that will be!

As I was preparing to write this post, I looked over the blog and realized the failed adoption post has been read more than 700 times! Evidently, there are many others out there who probably go to the internet looking for hope, trying to find out whether they are the only ones experiences failed placements or disruptions. We are not alone, and my hope with this blog has been that it would be a source of hope (yes, I used hope twice in one sentence...).

Finally, as this new year dawns all fresh and such, it has been 9 months, almost 10 since the disrupted adoption. As I was sharing some of our story with my classes (that we have no children but are waiting to adopt...), one of the students came to see me afterwards to chat. She asked how long we'd been waiting, I told her 9 months. Her words, "Don't give up Dr Faith, my parents waited 9 years to adopt me." There, you have it,  hope re-ignited...

Oh, That I migtht have my request, 

That God would grant what I hope for

What strength do I have that I should still hope?

What prospects, that I should be patient? 

 Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  

They will soar on wings like eagles; 

they will run and not grow weary, 

they will walk and not be faint.

So, let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess

For God who promised is faithful

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for

and assurance about what we do not (yet) see

 So, here I am. Here we are, waiting and hoping.

Its a new year, here's to new hope. 

Won't you wait and hope with us? 

(Job 6:8, 11; Isaiah 40:31; Hebrews 10:23; 11:1)