Thankfully, today's meditation from Fr Richard Rohr titled The Power of Powerlessness" came at just the right moment. Fr Rohr critiques pop Christianity which prefers " a spirituality of achievement, performance, worthiness, and willpower" at the expense of recognizing fallenness and brokenness. My present sour mood is partly precipitated by that very thing: feeling that my efforts are falling short of 'performance', 'achievement', that my best efforts at work are getting rejected by those whom I am called to serve. Truth be told, am being somewhat myopic, focusing on rejection and critique rather than on the places and spaces where my efforts have been accepted and appreciated.
So these words from Fr Rohr quoting Julian of Norwich came at just the right moment:
Our wounds are our very trophies
They are the "holes to the soul" where the Light and the Life can break through
Even more perfect were these words, putting everything into perspective
Forget yoru perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
Leonard Cohen 'Anthem'
So here I am, ruminating on my imperfect offering, reminding myself that while numbers are great, quality matters. I am an imperfect leader, offering the best of me, getting a mix of acceptance and rejection, feeling the holes in my soul deepen and widen, and getting this constant reminder: Only by grace.
Perhaps the fact that our birth mother has disappeared, putting the planned adoption of our daughter's bio sibling at risk of failure, further dampens my spirit and deepens those holes in my soul.
Here's to imperfect offerings and perfect grace. And the humility to take both rejection and acceptance as par for the course. May the light come in through those holes in my soul...
