A funny thing happened to me recently. OK so maybe not funny ha ha ha. Funny as in #notinmylifegoals...I got divorced. That Friday morning a few weeks back when the judge pronounced me as divorced, I danced out of that county courthouse like I'd won the lottery. I guess am a little bit cray cray. The sense of relief, freedom, pure unadulterated joy...then I drove back to work and continued with my day.
Off course I didn't quite realize that I would find myself super depressed a few days later. Like, so down in the dumps that it took every remaining ounce of energy to just get through the week. Luckily, I had something to look forward to - Fall Break! And break I did. Broke down in tears in a colleagues office. Me, who never cries. I was just so done! So totally exhausted emotionally. Fall Break was do-absolutely-nothing break. I cancelled all the travel plans and stayed put. Got a massage, cleaned house, cleaned house some more, slept, slept some more, and after three days, I had the energy to play and be fully present with my daughters during their own Fall Break. I guess I should have known there would be an anti-climax...
I have a lot of unpacking to do. Unpacking of emotional baggage and trauma. Unpacking of all the stuff the ex-spouse left at my house. Still a lot of decoupling or is it uncoupling to do...But by Golly, I made it! It's Friday, am tired, so this isn't the most eloquent blog post...but I thought you all my virtual village ought to know: I. MADE. IT. I walked through the valley, and am here. I am whole. I am happy. Broke, but happy. And I have a new found joy in and appreciation for the single life. God has been my refuge and my strength, through it all. And now, I do have a new calling to accompany others walking this path. I have been broken, but y'all, I was not destroyed; am still here. I. AM. STRONG. Cheers to single/parent/academic/mama.
Friday, November 2, 2018
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Transformation
The thing about divorce, or any breakup of a long term relationship is, you are forced to engage in transformation. It is not a fun process. Not in the least. Thank God for therapists. And good BFFs who listen to endless 'what-the-eff-was-I-thinking', 'how-on-earth-did-I-get-here', 'whats.wrong.with.me' etc.
But here's the thing. While the process is exquisitely painful, the end result can be real growth. At least that's what I tell myself as I look forward to Faith 2.0 (or whatever version I am becoming....it's not exactly the first time am going through metamorphosis). I like myself. I love myself. Even now, in the midst of this untidy process. And that's a blessing. It took work to like and love myself. Past metamorphosis.
So here I am, a butterfly-in-the-making, am breaking out of my cocoon, and Lord, it hurts. And that's OK. Growth hurts.
At therapy this week, I came to the realization that there has been several years of not fully living in my authentic Faithness. That my light was getting dimmed. So here's to finding Faith. Rediscovering Faith. Reconnecting with Faith. I look forward to loving and liking this new woman who is emerging from the ashes of my marriage. Amen.
But here's the thing. While the process is exquisitely painful, the end result can be real growth. At least that's what I tell myself as I look forward to Faith 2.0 (or whatever version I am becoming....it's not exactly the first time am going through metamorphosis). I like myself. I love myself. Even now, in the midst of this untidy process. And that's a blessing. It took work to like and love myself. Past metamorphosis.
So here I am, a butterfly-in-the-making, am breaking out of my cocoon, and Lord, it hurts. And that's OK. Growth hurts.
At therapy this week, I came to the realization that there has been several years of not fully living in my authentic Faithness. That my light was getting dimmed. So here's to finding Faith. Rediscovering Faith. Reconnecting with Faith. I look forward to loving and liking this new woman who is emerging from the ashes of my marriage. Amen.
Monday, June 11, 2018
Divorcing Faith
Life has a way of surprising us sometimes.
My divorce is not really a surprise, not in that "oh my God, what happened" type of surprise. It's been coming for a long time. The marriage relationship crumbled slowly but surely. And nothing I could do could save it. Because it takes two to save a marriage.
So yes, I am returning to blogging after many months hiatus. And most of my next few posts will be focused on talking about walking this journey. It's not about bashing my husband. He is still daddy to my girls. And as I told him after I filed for the divorce, I hope we shall be able to reach a point where we can be friendly, where we can act as grown ups for the sake of coparenting our adorable little humans. Coz those little girls did not apply to be adopted into our home. They didn't ask for this. The best we can do is find a way to be good parents to them in spite of our inability to stay married to each other.
So I outed myself on Facebook a few days ago. And, truth be told, it wasn't a well thought out move. I woke up the news of yet another suicide and thought oh crap, it's time for me to out myself as someone going through the shithole that is divorce. It's time for me to let my global village know that this is happening, and am mostly OK, and that some days suck worse than others, but in all things, am here. Standing. Or bent over in anguish as the case may be. It sucks. But I know it will get better. As I said in that post, divorce sucks. But a loveless marriage sucks a whole lot worse.
Some days I can hardly get out of bed. But I have two little girls looking for me to be mom. So I get up, and do what I need to do. And sometimes I go right back to bed after I take them to daycare. That is what happened on Friday June 8th, and I woke up from that feeling the need to out myself. I know, am a little weird. My plan had been to not say anything about this divorce until it was finalized and we are on the other side. But, the story of my life does not run that way. Sometimes I am required by Spirit to out myself, if only to be a voice for all those who cannot and should not out themselves in the same way. And hopefully, in the process, to be used by Spirit to give hope-in-the-midst.
The other day I asked a friend, how is it possible to be so happy and yet so sad all at the same time? Can such opposite emotions co-exist? Coz they have co-existed in me for quite a while. I have been blissfully happy with motherhood, my girls are the best thing that's ever happened to me. And yet, for quite some time now, I have struggled with sadness as I watched my marriage crumble and realized I couldn't save it. I hate to fail. And this has felt like such a terrible failure. Luckily, my therapist, my friends, my family, they all disagree with me on that point. And help me to see that getting out is the best thing I have done for myself and my girls.
That Facebook post and the responses I got to it on my wall, in phone calls, in private messages made me realize that 1) I am privileged to have such a wonderful global village, people far and wide who genuinely care about me. 2) I am not alone. 3) I am not alone. 4) I am not alone...
More later. Thanks to all my friends and family, my colleagues and comrades-in-divorce, all those who have listened to me think out loud the last many months. All those who have supported my girls and I as we walk this path. And even though the legal process is far from over, I can say I feel a sense of lightness in my spirit, a joy in my heart, a sense of freedom I hadn't felt in years. God is good even in this, and yes, it too shall pass.
My divorce is not really a surprise, not in that "oh my God, what happened" type of surprise. It's been coming for a long time. The marriage relationship crumbled slowly but surely. And nothing I could do could save it. Because it takes two to save a marriage.
So yes, I am returning to blogging after many months hiatus. And most of my next few posts will be focused on talking about walking this journey. It's not about bashing my husband. He is still daddy to my girls. And as I told him after I filed for the divorce, I hope we shall be able to reach a point where we can be friendly, where we can act as grown ups for the sake of coparenting our adorable little humans. Coz those little girls did not apply to be adopted into our home. They didn't ask for this. The best we can do is find a way to be good parents to them in spite of our inability to stay married to each other.
So I outed myself on Facebook a few days ago. And, truth be told, it wasn't a well thought out move. I woke up the news of yet another suicide and thought oh crap, it's time for me to out myself as someone going through the shithole that is divorce. It's time for me to let my global village know that this is happening, and am mostly OK, and that some days suck worse than others, but in all things, am here. Standing. Or bent over in anguish as the case may be. It sucks. But I know it will get better. As I said in that post, divorce sucks. But a loveless marriage sucks a whole lot worse.
Some days I can hardly get out of bed. But I have two little girls looking for me to be mom. So I get up, and do what I need to do. And sometimes I go right back to bed after I take them to daycare. That is what happened on Friday June 8th, and I woke up from that feeling the need to out myself. I know, am a little weird. My plan had been to not say anything about this divorce until it was finalized and we are on the other side. But, the story of my life does not run that way. Sometimes I am required by Spirit to out myself, if only to be a voice for all those who cannot and should not out themselves in the same way. And hopefully, in the process, to be used by Spirit to give hope-in-the-midst.
The other day I asked a friend, how is it possible to be so happy and yet so sad all at the same time? Can such opposite emotions co-exist? Coz they have co-existed in me for quite a while. I have been blissfully happy with motherhood, my girls are the best thing that's ever happened to me. And yet, for quite some time now, I have struggled with sadness as I watched my marriage crumble and realized I couldn't save it. I hate to fail. And this has felt like such a terrible failure. Luckily, my therapist, my friends, my family, they all disagree with me on that point. And help me to see that getting out is the best thing I have done for myself and my girls.
That Facebook post and the responses I got to it on my wall, in phone calls, in private messages made me realize that 1) I am privileged to have such a wonderful global village, people far and wide who genuinely care about me. 2) I am not alone. 3) I am not alone. 4) I am not alone...
More later. Thanks to all my friends and family, my colleagues and comrades-in-divorce, all those who have listened to me think out loud the last many months. All those who have supported my girls and I as we walk this path. And even though the legal process is far from over, I can say I feel a sense of lightness in my spirit, a joy in my heart, a sense of freedom I hadn't felt in years. God is good even in this, and yes, it too shall pass.
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