Dear baby girl,
Imara, Zuberi, Jelani, Jabali, Etana....wonderful choices of names
All meaning the strong one
Sneeze baby girl, when you hear your name
Tell us which one you choose for yourself
As God continues to knit you together in your mother's womb
As we await your arrival
Know that you are already loved
You have taken up residency in our hearts
We are so full of love for you baby girl
We packed your suitcase yesterday
Just in case you decide to make an early arrival
But go on baby girl, finish baking, no rush here...
You are loved baby girl
You have aunties and uncles here there and everywhere
You have many grandparents of every race, color and creed
Your cousins are holding their breath waiting for you baby girl
You are the fulfillment of prophecy
The answer to many prayers
The fruit of a difficult journey
The bringer of joy
Finish baking baby girl
Our hands are ready to hold you
Our hearts already love you
Our hope is being fulfilled
Hugs and Kisses, your mama-in-waiting
If you would like to support our adoption adventure financially, please go here
Showing posts with label adoption dairies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption dairies. Show all posts
Monday, April 27, 2015
Monday, March 30, 2015
Faithfulness in the Mundane
The title of today's post is taken from a profoundly moving blog by Kara Tippett, whose story I only came to know a few months ago - she graciously battled incurable cancer and finally went to meet her maker last week. One post would not be enough to tell all I have learned from the life and dying of Kara, and I haven't even read all of her blog yet. But reading her story these past few months, and the final post that I read this morning when I finally found out she'd gone to be with the Lord —all this serves to put life in perspective. It is easy to get lost in the mundane 'hard' of my own life's current moment, yet, not only shall this too pass, but more importantly, how can I compare my struggles on this adoption journey, with someone struggle to hold on to life and die with grace?
Kara Tippett has taught me so much about grace in the everyday moments, grace in the pain and grace in the joys of life. She has taught me to love hard now, because tomorrow is not promised. She has taught me to cherish my friends. She has challenged me in my moments of 'pity-party', in my 'why me' selfishness, to count my blessings, naming them one by one, to be reminded of God's faithfulness. Kara has taught me to love God more wholeheartedly, not for what God has done, but more so for whom God is in my life...because sometimes God will not do what I'd hope or wish for. Sometimes the answers to my prayers will be/has been a resounding NO. Can I love and trust Jesus even when, even in the midst of the NO? God did not heal Kara. God took Kara home. Jehova Rapha's answer to Kara's cancer was, "welcome home my child"...So it makes me ask myself, if our adoption never takes place, if we are to remain childless, can I still, would I still, be faithful? I hope, I pray, that my answer would be YES.
Will I, can I be faithful if God's answer, when God's answer to my prayer is NO?
"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. YET, NOT AS I WILL, BUT AS YOU WILL."
This Holy Week, I pray that my faith will be revitalized. Jesus prayer at Gethsemane reminds me that it is hard to be faithful to the end, it is hard to wait for God's purposes to be fully realized - it sure is darkest just before the dawn. So I pray that my hope will be replenished. That I will be faithful in my own small cup of sufferings. That, as I choose not to give up on this adoption journey, that I will be faithful in the waiting space. And, that I will not seek to sabotage God's best for our family by hurrying up to fill my need for a child with Ishmael, rather than waiting for my Isaac. That I would be patient to wait for God's will to be fulfilled, whatever that looks like. I believe Lord, help my unbelief!
Kara Tippett has taught me so much about grace in the everyday moments, grace in the pain and grace in the joys of life. She has taught me to love hard now, because tomorrow is not promised. She has taught me to cherish my friends. She has challenged me in my moments of 'pity-party', in my 'why me' selfishness, to count my blessings, naming them one by one, to be reminded of God's faithfulness. Kara has taught me to love God more wholeheartedly, not for what God has done, but more so for whom God is in my life...because sometimes God will not do what I'd hope or wish for. Sometimes the answers to my prayers will be/has been a resounding NO. Can I love and trust Jesus even when, even in the midst of the NO? God did not heal Kara. God took Kara home. Jehova Rapha's answer to Kara's cancer was, "welcome home my child"...So it makes me ask myself, if our adoption never takes place, if we are to remain childless, can I still, would I still, be faithful? I hope, I pray, that my answer would be YES.
Will I, can I be faithful if God's answer, when God's answer to my prayer is NO?
"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. YET, NOT AS I WILL, BUT AS YOU WILL."
This Holy Week, I pray that my faith will be revitalized. Jesus prayer at Gethsemane reminds me that it is hard to be faithful to the end, it is hard to wait for God's purposes to be fully realized - it sure is darkest just before the dawn. So I pray that my hope will be replenished. That I will be faithful in my own small cup of sufferings. That, as I choose not to give up on this adoption journey, that I will be faithful in the waiting space. And, that I will not seek to sabotage God's best for our family by hurrying up to fill my need for a child with Ishmael, rather than waiting for my Isaac. That I would be patient to wait for God's will to be fulfilled, whatever that looks like. I believe Lord, help my unbelief!
Monday, March 9, 2015
Friday, February 27, 2015
Parents-in-Training and Project Cuddle
Did you hear about the 22-year-old woman who burnt her newborn baby to death in New Jersey? This was a recent example of women in crisis who abandon or kill their babies, a situation that is not unique to the US. Recently, a cat in Russia helped to keep an abandoned baby alive by cuddling with him, keeping him warm while also meowing until help arrived. In the US, there are safe haven laws in all 50 states plus DC that allow women in crisis to leave their babies in hospitals, police stations, or fire stations. However, babies still get abandoned, two-thirds of such abandoned babies die. The state of Indiana is considering 'baby boxes' as a way to decrease such deaths, an additional measure to their safe haven process.
I recently found out about an organization that is dedicated to saving babies from abandonment and death - Project Cuddle - a non-profit charity that helps frightened girls and women in making safe and legal decisions instead of abandoning their newborn babies. Since finding out about them, I have been following them on Facebook, I am so appreciative of the work that they do that I chose to highlight them on the blog. I also realized my naivete - see, I didn't expect child abandonment to be such a huge problem in this First World USA...but it is. That's why there are safe haven laws. And since those laws are not enough, that's why there are organizations like Project Cuddle, providing women and girls with the chance to do the right thing - whether that is the support to parent or to make an adoption plan. Project Cuddle is not an adoption agency or facilitator, thus rescue families willing to adopt babies through their program work directly with lawyers and the birth mother. Rescue families apply to Project Cuddle, and only get a call if a birth mother is interested in selecting the family to rescue her baby.
Beyond discovering the wonderful lifesaving work of Project Cuddle, the past few weeks also involved about 30 additional hours of training in order to qualify to adopt from foster care. Who knew you can do a 3.5 hour training on car seats? We sat for two days learning about (mostly) the challenges of adopting from foster care - the physical, mental and emotional problems that children from foster care are likely to be struggling with. My reaction after the training - anyone who adopts from foster care after that kind of training has to be both brave and compassionate! Our trainers said they were giving us information so no one would walk into fost-adopt with their eyes closed. Well, our eyes are definitely open. Mostly, with compassion.
So that's whats going on in our neck of the woods. Our training for fost-adopt is complete, now we wait to complete the mountains of paperwork to update our homestudy for foster care (generally, it takes about 6 months from placement to finalization in fost-adopt, thus we have to be licensed as foster parents). We have also applied to be rescue parents with Project Cuddle. That makes three programs - domestic infant adoption, rescue parents, and soon, fost-adopt. Whichever path the Lord chooses to bring a child or children into our home, we are open, available, waiting and hopeful. Your continued prayers are very much appreciated...
Hope-filled Faith
I recently found out about an organization that is dedicated to saving babies from abandonment and death - Project Cuddle - a non-profit charity that helps frightened girls and women in making safe and legal decisions instead of abandoning their newborn babies. Since finding out about them, I have been following them on Facebook, I am so appreciative of the work that they do that I chose to highlight them on the blog. I also realized my naivete - see, I didn't expect child abandonment to be such a huge problem in this First World USA...but it is. That's why there are safe haven laws. And since those laws are not enough, that's why there are organizations like Project Cuddle, providing women and girls with the chance to do the right thing - whether that is the support to parent or to make an adoption plan. Project Cuddle is not an adoption agency or facilitator, thus rescue families willing to adopt babies through their program work directly with lawyers and the birth mother. Rescue families apply to Project Cuddle, and only get a call if a birth mother is interested in selecting the family to rescue her baby.
Beyond discovering the wonderful lifesaving work of Project Cuddle, the past few weeks also involved about 30 additional hours of training in order to qualify to adopt from foster care. Who knew you can do a 3.5 hour training on car seats? We sat for two days learning about (mostly) the challenges of adopting from foster care - the physical, mental and emotional problems that children from foster care are likely to be struggling with. My reaction after the training - anyone who adopts from foster care after that kind of training has to be both brave and compassionate! Our trainers said they were giving us information so no one would walk into fost-adopt with their eyes closed. Well, our eyes are definitely open. Mostly, with compassion.
So that's whats going on in our neck of the woods. Our training for fost-adopt is complete, now we wait to complete the mountains of paperwork to update our homestudy for foster care (generally, it takes about 6 months from placement to finalization in fost-adopt, thus we have to be licensed as foster parents). We have also applied to be rescue parents with Project Cuddle. That makes three programs - domestic infant adoption, rescue parents, and soon, fost-adopt. Whichever path the Lord chooses to bring a child or children into our home, we are open, available, waiting and hopeful. Your continued prayers are very much appreciated...
Hope-filled Faith
Saturday, January 10, 2015
New Year, New Hope
Happy New Year!
The other day, our adoption social worker asked whether the holiday was difficult, entering it still childless. Truth be told, I wondered whether it would be any more difficult than previous holidays, now that we had tasted the short-lived joy of holding a baby in our arms. As it turns out, it wasn't difficult, not at all. It was baby-filled, and thus joy-filled, because we got to hang out with our friends and families babies. I came back to Minnesota feeling rejuvenated, with my hope re-ignited. I, and we, continue to believe, to hope that we shall soon be holding a baby of our own in our hands. How God chooses to make that a reality remains to be seen...
A second source of hope re-ignited for me came because of watching how our friends and family, and even a few strangers, had responded so generously to our request for financial support towards our adoption goals. We do not take any of that for granted, whether 20 dollars or 200. Moreover, we are so appreciative of all those who are praying with and for us near and far. Our God is faithful, eventually, these prayers will be answered, and what a celebration that will be!
As I was preparing to write this post, I looked over the blog and realized the failed adoption post has been read more than 700 times! Evidently, there are many others out there who probably go to the internet looking for hope, trying to find out whether they are the only ones experiences failed placements or disruptions. We are not alone, and my hope with this blog has been that it would be a source of hope (yes, I used hope twice in one sentence...).
Finally, as this new year dawns all fresh and such, it has been 9 months, almost 10 since the disrupted adoption. As I was sharing some of our story with my classes (that we have no children but are waiting to adopt...), one of the students came to see me afterwards to chat. She asked how long we'd been waiting, I told her 9 months. Her words, "Don't give up Dr Faith, my parents waited 9 years to adopt me." There, you have it, hope re-ignited...
 |
| Mother and Child, Ceramic by Woodrow Nash. Captures my desires... |
The other day, our adoption social worker asked whether the holiday was difficult, entering it still childless. Truth be told, I wondered whether it would be any more difficult than previous holidays, now that we had tasted the short-lived joy of holding a baby in our arms. As it turns out, it wasn't difficult, not at all. It was baby-filled, and thus joy-filled, because we got to hang out with our friends and families babies. I came back to Minnesota feeling rejuvenated, with my hope re-ignited. I, and we, continue to believe, to hope that we shall soon be holding a baby of our own in our hands. How God chooses to make that a reality remains to be seen...
A second source of hope re-ignited for me came because of watching how our friends and family, and even a few strangers, had responded so generously to our request for financial support towards our adoption goals. We do not take any of that for granted, whether 20 dollars or 200. Moreover, we are so appreciative of all those who are praying with and for us near and far. Our God is faithful, eventually, these prayers will be answered, and what a celebration that will be!
As I was preparing to write this post, I looked over the blog and realized the failed adoption post has been read more than 700 times! Evidently, there are many others out there who probably go to the internet looking for hope, trying to find out whether they are the only ones experiences failed placements or disruptions. We are not alone, and my hope with this blog has been that it would be a source of hope (yes, I used hope twice in one sentence...).
Finally, as this new year dawns all fresh and such, it has been 9 months, almost 10 since the disrupted adoption. As I was sharing some of our story with my classes (that we have no children but are waiting to adopt...), one of the students came to see me afterwards to chat. She asked how long we'd been waiting, I told her 9 months. Her words, "Don't give up Dr Faith, my parents waited 9 years to adopt me." There, you have it, hope re-ignited...
Oh, That I migtht have my request,
That God would grant what I hope for
What strength do I have that I should still hope?
What prospects, that I should be patient?
Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
So, let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess
For God who promised is faithful
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for
and assurance about what we do not (yet) see
So, here I am. Here we are, waiting and hoping.
Its a new year, here's to new hope.
Won't you wait and hope with us?
(Job 6:8, 11; Isaiah 40:31; Hebrews 10:23; 11:1)
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Waiting as Spiritual Practice
As often happens when I get on Amazon or go to the grocery store, I went to buy one book and ended up with two. The second book is titled Seven Spiritual Gifts of Waiting by Holly Whitcomb, its been around for about 10 years but I just found it today. Perhaps I found it because hubby and I are in that space, the waiting space. And there is so much to learn in this space, as I have written previously here and here and a few other spots on this blog. I decided to read the book immediately...no patience here :-)
Whitcomb argues that:
We need to actively participate in this dramatic conversion from waiting as something to be endured to waiting as a gift.
Ahem...I try hard to think of waiting positively, but honestly, mostly I feel it is a test of endurance. Whitcomb talks about seven ways that waiting is a gift: it teaches us patience, loss of control, living in the present, compassion, gratitude, humility and trust in God. I read the first chapter on the gift of patience that comes from waiting, let it soak in, and reflected on how waiting to adopt has been teaching me patience.
Whitcomb explains the gift of patience thus:
When we have to wait without knowing the answers, without knowing what's ahead, we are nudged into a new perspective. Waiting without immediate solutions presents us with an opportunity to lean into the unknowing, to let go of the false promise of a quick fix, and to grow in patience. When we can embrace the gift of patience that waiting offers, we can trust beyond the moment.
Truthfully, though I cannot claim to be an expert on patience, I have learned a lot in the waiting space. I have definitely learned that, just because we are waiting does not mean being passive. I think at first I expected to just sit back and wait, and somehow a match would appear through our agency...alas, we needed to be more actively involved in our waiting. A few weeks ago, I finally set up our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/FaithChasAdopt opening up a new avenue to communicate with others. One of the results of that was a contact from an expectant mom who is considering adoption, and though there is no match yet, it served as a source of hope that the Facebook page is contributing to our outreach productively.
Just over a month ago, I also set up our fundraising site on YouCaring compelled by the discovery that the costs will likely be above what we had expected. That site has raised over 2000 dollars of the 15K we are hoping to raise. And, it has been a tremendous lesson in humility and expansive patience - the willingness to be vulnerable and share with our wider community.
This past week, we have learned about various interesting situations arising out of our outreach efforts: one involving 5 children under 6 years of age in Florida that both broke our hearts and encouraged us as we saw 9 families willing and able to adopt all those children together; another involving two boys under 2 years of age that we couldn't apply for because the adoptive parents have to live within the state of Florida. While none of these situations could work for us, this week I felt my hope rising, I saw this active patience beginning to bear fruits. I learned that patience means staying with it, living through it, and listening intently to what God might be saying through it all.
So, I am grateful for the gifts of waiting, for the patience that is growing in me. I am grateful for the testimony that waiting can indeed be a gift to me and to those sharing this journey with us. In the fullness of time, I know that God will come through for us, and we will become parents. In the meantime, I will
"be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond" Rumi
Wont you wait actively patiently with me and my hubby?
Patiently, Faith
Whitcomb argues that:
We need to actively participate in this dramatic conversion from waiting as something to be endured to waiting as a gift.
Ahem...I try hard to think of waiting positively, but honestly, mostly I feel it is a test of endurance. Whitcomb talks about seven ways that waiting is a gift: it teaches us patience, loss of control, living in the present, compassion, gratitude, humility and trust in God. I read the first chapter on the gift of patience that comes from waiting, let it soak in, and reflected on how waiting to adopt has been teaching me patience.
Whitcomb explains the gift of patience thus:
When we have to wait without knowing the answers, without knowing what's ahead, we are nudged into a new perspective. Waiting without immediate solutions presents us with an opportunity to lean into the unknowing, to let go of the false promise of a quick fix, and to grow in patience. When we can embrace the gift of patience that waiting offers, we can trust beyond the moment.
Truthfully, though I cannot claim to be an expert on patience, I have learned a lot in the waiting space. I have definitely learned that, just because we are waiting does not mean being passive. I think at first I expected to just sit back and wait, and somehow a match would appear through our agency...alas, we needed to be more actively involved in our waiting. A few weeks ago, I finally set up our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/FaithChasAdopt opening up a new avenue to communicate with others. One of the results of that was a contact from an expectant mom who is considering adoption, and though there is no match yet, it served as a source of hope that the Facebook page is contributing to our outreach productively.
Just over a month ago, I also set up our fundraising site on YouCaring compelled by the discovery that the costs will likely be above what we had expected. That site has raised over 2000 dollars of the 15K we are hoping to raise. And, it has been a tremendous lesson in humility and expansive patience - the willingness to be vulnerable and share with our wider community.
This past week, we have learned about various interesting situations arising out of our outreach efforts: one involving 5 children under 6 years of age in Florida that both broke our hearts and encouraged us as we saw 9 families willing and able to adopt all those children together; another involving two boys under 2 years of age that we couldn't apply for because the adoptive parents have to live within the state of Florida. While none of these situations could work for us, this week I felt my hope rising, I saw this active patience beginning to bear fruits. I learned that patience means staying with it, living through it, and listening intently to what God might be saying through it all.
So, I am grateful for the gifts of waiting, for the patience that is growing in me. I am grateful for the testimony that waiting can indeed be a gift to me and to those sharing this journey with us. In the fullness of time, I know that God will come through for us, and we will become parents. In the meantime, I will
"be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond" Rumi
Wont you wait actively patiently with me and my hubby?
Patiently, Faith
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Waiting [to Adopt] as a Platform for God's Grace
What happens to dreams, hopes, faith, when God's answer to a heartfelt prayer is a resounding NO?
The past few weeks have been interesting spiritually and emotionally, as the summer break wrapped up and the new academic year began, realizing that our adoption dream had still not come true. Granted, as our social worker reminded me the other day, waiting six months in the world of adoption is not long at all. However, when that waiting is preceded by a failed prior attempt at adoption, it feels like eternity!
So I found myself stressing out, even getting somewhat depressed as the new academic year started with not a rumor, not a single word about any potential matches. The closest we've come to any positive news is an 'adoption facilitation' agency that has been encouraging us to sign up with them, since they work with birth parents from around the country, they promise that we'd likely be matched fairly quickly. But the $19,500 sticker price for their service, that does not include lawyer fees, legal fees, transportation, or birth parent support just makes us feel discouraged. It means the adoption would cost close to $40K...one would think that domestic infant adoption would be less expensive than international adoption - but as we have realized, it isn't.
One weekend I was feeling so discouraged, so overwhelmed, so down in the dumps, so hope-depleted that it felt like darkness was threatening to descend on my otherwise sunny disposition :-( I pulled through, but it was also an opportunity to think about how I'd respond if God's answer to all this is no. What if this adoption never happens? What if I am never a mother? What then?
In the midst of the darkness, I was talking with one of my friends about not wanting to blog, because I did not want to spread the sense of despondency to anyone reading my blog. But, she reminded me I needed to stay faithful and authentic, to talk about the ups and the downs. I will quote from my journal from September 4 that reflects what I was experiencing:
While I continue to walk in this space of not-yet-answered prayers, the space after the no-for-an-answer to my prior prayer for biological motherhood, the space of hoping that this time, God's answer is a resounding Yes...I have come to the conclusion that, whatever happens, I will be faithful. Whatever happens, whether I become a mother or remain childless, I will find my joy in spite of the circumstances, I will sing along with Habakkuk 3:17-19: though nothing goes right, yet I will rejoice in the God who gives me strength. And thanks to Mavuno Church series this month, I am reminded that unanswered prayer is the reality for many, the test is in remaining faithful. Pastor M reminds me that my weakness is my opportunity to experience God's strength. So here is to rejoicing in the waiting - the waiting to adopt, the waiting to find out what God's answer is, the waiting in hope.
Won't you wait with me?
The past few weeks have been interesting spiritually and emotionally, as the summer break wrapped up and the new academic year began, realizing that our adoption dream had still not come true. Granted, as our social worker reminded me the other day, waiting six months in the world of adoption is not long at all. However, when that waiting is preceded by a failed prior attempt at adoption, it feels like eternity!
So I found myself stressing out, even getting somewhat depressed as the new academic year started with not a rumor, not a single word about any potential matches. The closest we've come to any positive news is an 'adoption facilitation' agency that has been encouraging us to sign up with them, since they work with birth parents from around the country, they promise that we'd likely be matched fairly quickly. But the $19,500 sticker price for their service, that does not include lawyer fees, legal fees, transportation, or birth parent support just makes us feel discouraged. It means the adoption would cost close to $40K...one would think that domestic infant adoption would be less expensive than international adoption - but as we have realized, it isn't.
One weekend I was feeling so discouraged, so overwhelmed, so down in the dumps, so hope-depleted that it felt like darkness was threatening to descend on my otherwise sunny disposition :-( I pulled through, but it was also an opportunity to think about how I'd respond if God's answer to all this is no. What if this adoption never happens? What if I am never a mother? What then?
In the midst of the darkness, I was talking with one of my friends about not wanting to blog, because I did not want to spread the sense of despondency to anyone reading my blog. But, she reminded me I needed to stay faithful and authentic, to talk about the ups and the downs. I will quote from my journal from September 4 that reflects what I was experiencing:
Its weird
Being woken up by the crazy heavy storm
That shook the house down to its foundations
Attempting to break the windows
And pull the storm door right off its hinges
An apt reminder of the weekend that was
The storm that was raging in my soul
As I felt myself descend deeper and deeper into the darkness
As I felt myself get pulled down further and further from
hope
As I felt myself dragged away from joy and into despair
But you Lord
Just as with the storm that has now passed this area
Leaving the house intact
You allowed that storm to pass through my life
And calm is returning
The calm that reminds me that I am alive
That I am on this side of heaven
Where I will be buffeted by life's heavy burdens
Shaken by the thunder of despair and discouragement
Yet in the midst of it all
You remain the rock I hang onto and stand
The firm foundation that secures my house and hope
While I continue to walk in this space of not-yet-answered prayers, the space after the no-for-an-answer to my prior prayer for biological motherhood, the space of hoping that this time, God's answer is a resounding Yes...I have come to the conclusion that, whatever happens, I will be faithful. Whatever happens, whether I become a mother or remain childless, I will find my joy in spite of the circumstances, I will sing along with Habakkuk 3:17-19: though nothing goes right, yet I will rejoice in the God who gives me strength. And thanks to Mavuno Church series this month, I am reminded that unanswered prayer is the reality for many, the test is in remaining faithful. Pastor M reminds me that my weakness is my opportunity to experience God's strength. So here is to rejoicing in the waiting - the waiting to adopt, the waiting to find out what God's answer is, the waiting in hope.
Won't you wait with me?
Sunday, August 10, 2014
An Attitude of Gratitude
After four days of posting about three things I am grateful for on Facebook, I decided to bring my final posting to the blog. To ruminate on gratitude. The exercise involved 5 days of posting three things each day...what a great way to remind ourselves that there is indeed much to be grateful for.
I have owned a gratitude journal for quite a while, but I don't use it. Not because I don't practice gratitude, but because I choose to journal in one location. Most of my journal entries begin with what I am grateful for...though sometimes life's drama gets in the way of an attitude of gratitude and I find myself whining to my journal, complaining about this, that or the other.
So today I am grateful for a rest-filled weekend. After a harried two weeks involving travel and conference participation, I am just glad to take it easy this weekend. I am not always very disciplined about rest...but am learning. So I slept in, had a slow breakfast, and then just took it easy most of today.
As I have ruminated on the fact that we still have not been matched with birth parents so many months after our home-study was approved, I chose to be grateful, to find the silver lining in the waiting game. So rather than focus on the frustrations of waiting, I am looking towards what I have been able to accomplish this summer - because I had cancelled all my international trips while we had baby Zawadi at home, I found myself, for the first time in more than 8 years, not having to teach, change jobs/move or do long travel this summer. That meant I could push through some projects that needed focused attention, much harder to accomplish during the school year. So that's my silver lining...and am grateful for that. Off course I'd much rather have been enjoying being a new parent :-)
As the summer began, I was nervous about being able to fill up the Lorentzsen Center for Faith and Work program for the upcoming year. I'd started off being told 'no' by the first two people that I invited as speakers...and was quite afraid that the trend would continue. I am so grateful that there is a full program of luncheons and a final conference for the 2014-2015 school year, for all the many business people and organizational leaders I have interacted with this summer, and am looking forward to a great year! So am starting this new academic year off on a good note, a hope-filled heart, an attitude of gratitude.
In everything give thanks. For this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (I Thessalonians 5:18)
I have owned a gratitude journal for quite a while, but I don't use it. Not because I don't practice gratitude, but because I choose to journal in one location. Most of my journal entries begin with what I am grateful for...though sometimes life's drama gets in the way of an attitude of gratitude and I find myself whining to my journal, complaining about this, that or the other.
So today I am grateful for a rest-filled weekend. After a harried two weeks involving travel and conference participation, I am just glad to take it easy this weekend. I am not always very disciplined about rest...but am learning. So I slept in, had a slow breakfast, and then just took it easy most of today.
 |
| Philly Skyline August 4, 2014 |
As I have ruminated on the fact that we still have not been matched with birth parents so many months after our home-study was approved, I chose to be grateful, to find the silver lining in the waiting game. So rather than focus on the frustrations of waiting, I am looking towards what I have been able to accomplish this summer - because I had cancelled all my international trips while we had baby Zawadi at home, I found myself, for the first time in more than 8 years, not having to teach, change jobs/move or do long travel this summer. That meant I could push through some projects that needed focused attention, much harder to accomplish during the school year. So that's my silver lining...and am grateful for that. Off course I'd much rather have been enjoying being a new parent :-)
 |
| Presenting a paper at the Academy of Management meeting, Philadelphia August 5th, 2014 |
In everything give thanks. For this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (I Thessalonians 5:18)
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Still Waiting to Adopt
When we began this journey of domestic infant adoption, our adoption social worker told us it could move pretty fast because we are black/African-American parents looking to adopt a black/African-American baby. Apparently, there are not as many non-black parents willing to adopt black babies. And there aren't enough black parents in the system. A few days later, we had a baby girl at home; a beautiful black baby girl. And two weeks later, we experienced every adoptive parent's worst nightmare - a reclaim.
That was March 24, 2014. The whole process from learning about the expectant birth mother, to taking baby home, to the reclaim took less than 3 weeks. Talk about drama! We loved that baby girl. We miss her daily.
After Zawadi was reclaimed, we came back home empty handed and heavy hearted, experiencing this weird, strange kind of grief at the loss of our hopes and dreams of growing our family, desperately missing our little baby girl. The grief was multiplied as the reclaim scratched old wounds - the wounds of infertility and miscarriage. But as people of strong faith, we found our footing again. And told our adoption worker we wanted to go on with the process, we wanted to remain on the list to adopt.
We are about to enter the month of July, my birthday month - am a fourth of July baby! I should be excited about my upcoming birthday. Instead, I find myself feeling ambivalent about it, and sad that I am getting a year older and still, motherhood continues to elude me. We celebrated our anniversary in May, and that too was very understated. Even sad.
This week, our hardworking adoption worker emailed asking whether she could share this blog with a family that had just experienced a reclaim. I said off course, its a blog in the public domain, its supposed to be shared...I went to that family's blog and read about their reclaim. They had their baby for two days before he was reclaimed. They had all these beautiful pictures of their almost son, the nursery, their family - it scratched my healing wound. And reminded me that we, the Ngunjiri-Nowlin family are not alone. There are many others across this nation who are walking this path, waiting, hoping and praying. We are not alone. My heart breaks for this family whose pain is so raw, I pray that they will heal and keep the hope alive.
I am also reminded we are not alone because we have family and friends across the world praying, waiting and hoping with us.
As I try to energize and motivate myself to prepare the nursery - our initial placement happened so quickly we hadn't prepared the nursery; afterwards we didn't have the emotional energy to do it - now I want to do it. I want to go in there and paint, convince hubby to set up the crib, etc. I want to walk in faith, to believe that this waiting shall come to a good end. While I wish that we'd been matched during the summer months, I have to remind myself that the timing is not up to me. The God who began a good work in us, that God will surely bring it to completion. Nothing is impossible with God...not even the intricacies of domestic infant adoption!
So here's to walking in faith, to nesting, to waiting in hope.
PS: If you are in the US, please feel free to share our story with those in your circles. You never know who might know about an expectant birth mother who could potentially be our match, or a black baby who is free to be adopted (we can adopt from anywhere in the US). You can contact us through the comments on this page (I get them first before they post on the page), or email me directly.
That was March 24, 2014. The whole process from learning about the expectant birth mother, to taking baby home, to the reclaim took less than 3 weeks. Talk about drama! We loved that baby girl. We miss her daily.
 | |
| I fell in love with Chas all over again as I watched him with Zawadi... | I yearn for him to experience fatherhood for life |
After Zawadi was reclaimed, we came back home empty handed and heavy hearted, experiencing this weird, strange kind of grief at the loss of our hopes and dreams of growing our family, desperately missing our little baby girl. The grief was multiplied as the reclaim scratched old wounds - the wounds of infertility and miscarriage. But as people of strong faith, we found our footing again. And told our adoption worker we wanted to go on with the process, we wanted to remain on the list to adopt.
We are about to enter the month of July, my birthday month - am a fourth of July baby! I should be excited about my upcoming birthday. Instead, I find myself feeling ambivalent about it, and sad that I am getting a year older and still, motherhood continues to elude me. We celebrated our anniversary in May, and that too was very understated. Even sad.
 |
| Faith and Chas hanging out in Utah during our anniversary week |
I am also reminded we are not alone because we have family and friends across the world praying, waiting and hoping with us.
As I try to energize and motivate myself to prepare the nursery - our initial placement happened so quickly we hadn't prepared the nursery; afterwards we didn't have the emotional energy to do it - now I want to do it. I want to go in there and paint, convince hubby to set up the crib, etc. I want to walk in faith, to believe that this waiting shall come to a good end. While I wish that we'd been matched during the summer months, I have to remind myself that the timing is not up to me. The God who began a good work in us, that God will surely bring it to completion. Nothing is impossible with God...not even the intricacies of domestic infant adoption!
So here's to walking in faith, to nesting, to waiting in hope.
PS: If you are in the US, please feel free to share our story with those in your circles. You never know who might know about an expectant birth mother who could potentially be our match, or a black baby who is free to be adopted (we can adopt from anywhere in the US). You can contact us through the comments on this page (I get them first before they post on the page), or email me directly.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Faith & Chas Waiting to Adopt
The title I chose for this post reflects some of what we just learned in two days of adoption training - that we are supposed to be letting people in our circle know about our adoption plans, so that they would tell others, because apparently, many US domestic infant adoptions now happen through outreach. Adoption outreach involves all the activities that prospective adoptive parents engage in for the purpose of reaching out as potential resources for birth parents. According to those in the adoption field, it is important for adoptive parents to take an active role in reaching out through their network, using resources such as blogs, YouTube, Facebook, postcards, and such, to spread the news and essentially, 'market' themselves to birth parents.
Most of us at the adoption training felt uncomfortable about the idea of putting ourselves out there in this way. But the more the trainers talked about it, the more it made sense that, in this day and age, where we get jobs and even meet prospective partners (marital and otherwise) through networking and the internet, we would use similar pathways in the adoption journey. Essentially we could have our profile in a big book and hope that birth parents find us by walking into Lutheran Social Services of MN, or we could engage in outreach activities ourselves so we can feel like we are actively involved. Either way, "Waiting to Adopt" still captures the space we are living in right now.
With our failed adoption still so vivid though, "waiting to adopt" is not a comfortable space to occupy. Unlike everyone else in the room during those those two days, we have already experienced every adoptive parents worst nightmare - a failed adoption, or more correctly, a "reclaim". A reclaim is the term they use for babies who are taken back by their birth parents before final consents have been signed. In Minnesota, birth parents have 10 (working) days within which to change their minds. So we are waiting to adopt after a reclaim, with all the attendant fears and frustrations, hopes and aspirations. That reclaim stole our innocence.
After the training, I found myself feeling my hope was getting depleted. On the one hand, it is great to learn that there is something we can do, that we can engage in outreach in order to increase our chances of connecting with birth mothers. On the other hand, it still feels like waiting to adopt is a space where we adoptive parents have no control; we can do all manner of outreach, but in the end, we wait and wait for birth parents to find us or choose us.
At church today, I received just the jolt I needed to rejuvenate my hope. Pastor Jon Hauser of Prairie Heights Community Church preached about GREATNESS derived from Luke 1. Of the 8 lessons he derived from that chapter, this is what jumped out at me (from Luke 1:5-7):
Don't allow DIFFICULTIES and DISAPPOINTMENTS to define your greatness. God is waiting to DEFINE and REFINE your greatness during difficult times.
So today, I am reminded not to let the difficulty of the waiting to adopt space, or the disappointments of the failed adoption and the infertility that brought us here, dissuade me from believing in the promises of God. Zechariah and his wife were old and infertile too, but God came through for them eventually. Their son was born into greatness, having the awesome responsibility of heralding the coming Christ. So though waiting to adopt is an uncomfortable space to occupy, I aim to occupy it with hope, with faith that God will eventually come through on His promises. May this refiner's fire leave me purer, stronger, with even more faith than before this journey began.
Most of us at the adoption training felt uncomfortable about the idea of putting ourselves out there in this way. But the more the trainers talked about it, the more it made sense that, in this day and age, where we get jobs and even meet prospective partners (marital and otherwise) through networking and the internet, we would use similar pathways in the adoption journey. Essentially we could have our profile in a big book and hope that birth parents find us by walking into Lutheran Social Services of MN, or we could engage in outreach activities ourselves so we can feel like we are actively involved. Either way, "Waiting to Adopt" still captures the space we are living in right now.
With our failed adoption still so vivid though, "waiting to adopt" is not a comfortable space to occupy. Unlike everyone else in the room during those those two days, we have already experienced every adoptive parents worst nightmare - a failed adoption, or more correctly, a "reclaim". A reclaim is the term they use for babies who are taken back by their birth parents before final consents have been signed. In Minnesota, birth parents have 10 (working) days within which to change their minds. So we are waiting to adopt after a reclaim, with all the attendant fears and frustrations, hopes and aspirations. That reclaim stole our innocence.
After the training, I found myself feeling my hope was getting depleted. On the one hand, it is great to learn that there is something we can do, that we can engage in outreach in order to increase our chances of connecting with birth mothers. On the other hand, it still feels like waiting to adopt is a space where we adoptive parents have no control; we can do all manner of outreach, but in the end, we wait and wait for birth parents to find us or choose us.
At church today, I received just the jolt I needed to rejuvenate my hope. Pastor Jon Hauser of Prairie Heights Community Church preached about GREATNESS derived from Luke 1. Of the 8 lessons he derived from that chapter, this is what jumped out at me (from Luke 1:5-7):
Don't allow DIFFICULTIES and DISAPPOINTMENTS to define your greatness. God is waiting to DEFINE and REFINE your greatness during difficult times.
So today, I am reminded not to let the difficulty of the waiting to adopt space, or the disappointments of the failed adoption and the infertility that brought us here, dissuade me from believing in the promises of God. Zechariah and his wife were old and infertile too, but God came through for them eventually. Their son was born into greatness, having the awesome responsibility of heralding the coming Christ. So though waiting to adopt is an uncomfortable space to occupy, I aim to occupy it with hope, with faith that God will eventually come through on His promises. May this refiner's fire leave me purer, stronger, with even more faith than before this journey began.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Between Hope and Despair
It has been a month since our 'almost' adopted daughter was reclaimed by her birth mother. A month of living in the space between hope and despair. A month of also having a friend critically ill, then die within a week, but am too far to be of real comfort to those she's left behind. A month of realizing that I am rich in ways that money cannot buy, in friends who have called, sent text and Facebook messages, emails, and in many other ways let me know that they were thinking and praying for us.
I have been thinking about this blog post for a long time, thinking about how I need to talk about that space between hope and despair.
I have been thinking about this blog post for a long time, thinking about how I need to talk about that space between hope and despair.
That space
Between hope and despair
Where gladness and grief collide
Where great faith and debilitating fear attempt to co-exist
I make four steps forward
Living in Hope
But despair pulls me three steps back
That space
Between hope and despair
Hope brings healing
Despair breeds despondency
That space
Between hope and despair
Hope repairs and rebuilds
Despair pulls it all down again
I choose hope
Time and time again
But despair has a way of finding me
Yet
I still choose hope
I fight for hope
I live in hope
I survive through hope
Eventually
Despair will get the hint
And give way to living by faith
Despair tells me my issues are mountains
Hope tells me I can climb any mountains
Despair tells me I am stuck in the dumps
Hope tells me I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
So in this space
Between hope and despair
I will hang on to hope
No matter how much darkness despair throws my way...
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