I am a divorcée

A funny thing happened to me recently. OK so maybe not funny ha ha ha. Funny as in #notinmylifegoals...I got divorced. That Friday morning  a few weeks back when the judge pronounced me as divorced, I danced out of that county courthouse like I'd won the lottery. I guess am a little bit cray cray. The sense of relief, freedom, pure unadulterated joy...then I drove back to work and continued with my day.

Off course I didn't quite realize that I would find myself super depressed a few days later. Like, so down in the dumps that it took every remaining ounce of energy to just get through the week. Luckily, I had something to look forward to - Fall Break! And break I did. Broke down in tears in a colleagues office. Me, who never cries. I was just so done! So totally exhausted emotionally. Fall Break was do-absolutely-nothing break. I cancelled all the travel plans and stayed put. Got a massage, cleaned house, cleaned house some more, slept, slept some more, and after three days, I had the energy to play and be fully present with my daughters during their own Fall Break. I guess I should have known there would be an anti-climax...

I have a lot of unpacking to do. Unpacking of emotional baggage and trauma. Unpacking of all the stuff the ex-spouse left at my house. Still a lot of decoupling or is it uncoupling to do...But by Golly, I made it! It's Friday, am tired, so this isn't the most eloquent blog post...but I thought you all my virtual village ought to know: I. MADE. IT. I walked through the valley, and am here. I am whole. I am happy. Broke, but happy. And I have a new found joy in and appreciation for the single life. God has been my refuge and my strength, through it all. And now, I do have a new calling to accompany others walking this path. I have been broken, but y'all, I was not destroyed; am still here. I. AM. STRONG. Cheers to single/parent/academic/mama.

Transformation

The thing about divorce, or any breakup of a long term relationship is, you are forced to engage in transformation. It is not a fun process. Not in the least. Thank God for therapists. And good BFFs who listen to endless 'what-the-eff-was-I-thinking', 'how-on-earth-did-I-get-here', 'whats.wrong.with.me' etc.


But here's the thing. While the process is exquisitely painful, the end result can be real growth. At least that's what I tell myself as I look forward to Faith 2.0 (or whatever version I am becoming....it's not exactly the first time am going through metamorphosis). I like myself. I love myself. Even now, in the midst of this untidy process. And that's a blessing. It took work to like and love myself. Past metamorphosis.


So here I am, a butterfly-in-the-making, am breaking out of my cocoon, and Lord, it hurts. And that's OK. Growth hurts.


At therapy this week, I came to the realization that there has been several years of not fully living in my authentic Faithness. That my light was getting dimmed. So here's to finding Faith. Rediscovering Faith. Reconnecting with Faith. I look forward to loving and liking this new woman who is emerging from the ashes of my marriage. Amen.