Choosing Faith: A Story of Loss and Hope
(Message for Chapel Service at Eastern University, September 26, 2012. Audience of faculty, staff, and undergraduate students).
I begin this story of loss and hope with a quote from Gerald
May’s book “addiction and grace’
“If God also creates us with an
inborn longing for God, then human life is also meant to contain yearning,
incompleteness, and lack of fulfillment.
To live as a child of God is to live with love and hope and growth, but
it is also to live with longing, with aching for a fullness of love that is
never quite within our grasp” (Gerald May, 1998 p. 179).
So the question of the struggles and sufferings in life is
one of learning to live in love, hope and growth in the midst of our struggles.
Let me tell you my story in outline form:
Married to the best man ever on May 22, 2010
Looked forward to a life of sharing our joys and sorrows
Highs and lows
Pains and pleasures
And everything in between
And it has been all that
And then some
A few months into our loving and lovely marriage
Diagnosis of infertility
Ah here comes the lows, pains and sorrows
Only way to have a chance at biological parenthood
Only path available
As known by medical science
Is through assisted reproductive technology
So began the story am telling you today
And the story behind the story that am trying to tell today
Tests
Procedures
More tests
Surgeries
More procedures
I was turned into a pin cushion
With hormone injections
But
Finally, success!
Oh what a surprise
For the doctor
Who hardly ever sees
Success on first trial
But for us,
Not really surprise
Just the constant awareness
That God was walking this journey with us
We celebrated
Cautiously waited
seeing that heartbeat
there really is a life
growing in me
oh the joy!
Planning
Waiting
For our valentines due date
Love bug was on the way
But alas
Love bug didn’t stay
Tiny heartbeat stopped
Almost 9 weeks of expectation
Turned into grief
And in the darkness that would follow, I found my solace in
knowing that God knit love bug together in my womb, all the days ordained for
him or her were set before the beginning of time…after all, there is no medical
explanation for the miscarriage. It’s a mystery to man, but no mystery to God.
Psalm 139
You
have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go
from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created
my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Yes, indeed
Lovebug was known of the Lord
Love bugs days were numbered by the Lord
And I am known of the Lord
Even in those hidden places
In my darkness God sheds light
In my confusion God reminds me who is in control
God protects and provides
God allowed this pain to be part of my story
Such knowledge surely is beyond me…
Such knowledge is what carries me through
I do not understand
Why lovebug got squished before he/she had the chance to
live outside of me
But then again, her frame was not hidden from Jehova…
I do not know, and neither do the doctors
The physical reason why that pregnancy came to an abrupt end
What I do know is that God does not waste pain
In the weeks since
A really close friend also had a miscarriage
And I was there to walk her through some of it
Another told me of her earlier miscarriage
Which she had not fully grieved over
And together we thought our incomplete thoughts
We comforted each other
During the miscarriage
The doctor asked my husband
Whether I ever show emotion
I guess he expected drama and theatrics in the theater
As he did what had to be done
But my husband responded
Faith is a woman of faith
She feels it all deeply
But as one who has hope
Indeed
God did not promise a life without pain
So with an attitude of acceptance
An openness to God’s doing
A reverent responsibility to tell this story
A willingness to reach out and be helped
Even when those reaching out sometimes end up hurting us
With the thoughtlessness of their words
You see we Christians
Sometimes hurt rather than heal
When we highlight only the blessings
Of the barren who bore a son
Hanna, Sarah, Elizabeth
Whose wombs God opened
The barren who bore sons
We forget the untold stories
The stories in the silence
Of the barren whose wombs remained shut
What of them then and now?
Let me tell you this story from an African perspective
After all I was born and raised in Kenya
Where to be a childless woman
Is to be truly fully cursed
A childless woman is a useless woman
A childless woman might as well never have been born
A childless woman is irresponsible
Perhaps she is refusing to play her role in society
She cannot stand in the assembly
Because she is not fully woman
Oh yes we might open up our pulpits
And let her stand
With the expectation that eventually
She better show that she is fully woman
Fully blessed
By mothering
So then
Where do I stand
I
Who is childless
Not by choice but by circumstance
I wanted God to open the floodgates of heaven
And let it rain (babies perhaps)
I wanted God to expand my territory
And shield me from pain
I found God will not shield me from pain
God gives me the strength to bear it
God’s grace is sufficient
You see I’ve got my mind made up
That no matter how this story ends
No matter what else is in store
I will hold on in hope
Perhaps it is only a matter of time
Until God opens the floodgates
Of babies
From my womb or someone else’s
Biology or adoption
biology and adoption?
Whatever my lot
It is well with my soul
Because
I choose faith
When the darkness falls
And night is long
I choose faith
When doctors fail
And medicine ends
I choose faith
When am in pain
No gain
I choose faith
When hope is slim
And help is far
I choose faith
I know
Yes I know
In every cell of my being
In every thought in my brain
Faith is the only choice
That promises life
That provides hope
That permeates despair
I choose faith
As I undergo extreme makeover
(hormonal upheavals edition)
I choose faith
Because Sarah did eventually become the mother of nations
And Hannah bore Samuel
The prophet said to me
I would hold a daughter
He didn’t say how she would end up in my arms
Just that she would be mine
So I choose faith
In spite of my physical frailty
My faith is not fragile
My longing will be fulfilled
But the path is not clear
I still choose faith
Because the God who promised is faithful and
faith-worthy.
I sing along with the song writer...
I know that I can make it
I know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands
With Jesus I can take it
With him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in his hands
Will you choose hope
Will you choose faith
When the trails of life come your way?
